Which Jeans Are You Wearing?

I'm convinced that the Quest for the Perfect Jeans is more difficult, more unattainable than the Quest for the Holy Grail--or even the the Perfect Haircut.

I have a love-hate relationship with jeans. I love being comfortable, love the casual ruggedness of denim, love the way they allow me to go from my household chores to a night at The Moose's Tooth without having to change my attire. I hate the way they feel if my weight fluctuates so much as a pound, hate the way I worry about whether I'm wearing Mom Jeans, hate paying more than the GNP of many Third World nations just to have a pair of jeans that actually fit and look good.

Anyone else out there remember the Levi's shrink-to-fits? Too tight, too tight, too tight! But the only thing worse were the Guess jeans that were so form-fitting they had to put zippers on the ankles so one could squeeze one's foot through the leg hole.

Those Guess jeans were the bane of my high school years because everyone--and I mean everyone--had a pair but me. Oh how I wanted a pair of Guess jeans, wanted to look like Claudia Schiffer did in the ads, but they didn't make them in 58-lengths so I had to envy the more petite girls and their tiny-bottomed Guess jeans from afar.

After my first baby I went through my Eddie Bauer phase. Never really liked the way the dumb things fit and thought they made me look terribly fat. Eventually I realized that it wasn't the jeans it was me--but by the time I'd lost the baby weight I'd moved on.

I've gone through both Gap and Abercrombie phases and came through fairly unscathed but always with the lingering suspicion that I'm dressing a little too hip for a woman pushing 37. Anyone have a handbook that clearly delineates where the line between dressing hip and looking ridiculous is? I'd be interested to know . . .

What I've really wanted to buy (and shhhh! Don't tell Andrew, this is just between you and me . . . ) is a pair of Sevens. What are the Mighty Sevens you ask? Seven for All Mankind jeans. I first heard about these jeans in the same hushed tones that one would talk about UFO or Elvis sightings. The jeans that fit every body, perfectly. The jeans that looked good on everyone regardless of shape. The jeans that would one day rule the world! "Muaha ha ha ha ha ha ha!" But here's the thing: I've been afraid to try them on.

What if the rumors are true? What if they really are the pair of denim at the end of the rainbow? What if I haul myself down to Nordstrom, try on a pair and find that everything I've heard is reality?

I'll tell you what it means. It means I'll be shelling out $200 for a pair of jeans. I've looked them up and know how much they cost and know darn well that once I try them on and the magic begins I'll never take them off. That'll be it, I might at well wear them home from the store because there will be no turning back. I've held out this long but don't know how much longer I can before one afternoon, one afternoon in a moment of quiet weakness, I'll find myself on the second floor at Nordstrom with twenty minutes to kill and plastic in my pocket. It's bound to happen.

Have you tried them on? Tell me if the rumors are true, I must know. If not Sevens, what jeans are you wearing and do you like them? Remember I have legs of Amazonian proportions and can't wear anything shorter than an extra long so my choices are rather limited. Enlighten me and save me from the $200 pair of jeans.

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