Teaching Children Responsibility: Is Your Room Clean?

I’m going to start off with a question I’ve struggled with: What do you do when your kids don’t clean their rooms?

If you have children that are old enough to think of their bedroom as their own personal space what are your rules—if any—for cleanliness? I know some children are naturally neat and some are naturally—well, let’s call it Organizationally Challenged shall we? Me—and I know this will come as a shock—I’ve got to have it clean. I’m more comfortable when everything is in its place, when the dishes are done and put away, when the room is inviting to use because there is no clutter to distract me and I know right where something is when I need it.

Feeling this way I’ve wondered what the best policy is when teaching a child to keep his or her room clean. I had an acquaintance, a woman very much like me, who’s house was well-ordered but she regularly cleaned her children’s bedrooms. She unashamedly admitted it but also added that when her children moved away from home they too began to keep their spaces clean because they’d been used to it for so long that suddenly when mom wasn’t there to do it they felt the need to step up and take charge.

It seemed to have worked for her but it sounded fishy to me. I had a hard time thinking that if I took over responsibility for my children’s cleanliness that they would naturally absorb this and on that magical day they left to seek their fortunes would turn to me and say, “Thanks for cleaning my room Mom, I’m always going to pick up my socks in gratitude for what you’ve taught me.”

I guess first you have to start with the question of whether having your home clean is important to you. If that’s not a priority than I suppose it doesn’t matter what condition your kids’ rooms are in but most people I’ve met have at least some threshold, some standard, some basic expectation of cleanliness for their children. Maybe you require everything off of the floor, maybe you require being able to see the floor, maybe you just want to be able to have enough clearance to shut the door but the question is how do you enforce your expectations?

I can’t bear to have rooms—even my kids’ rooms—dirty and cluttered but I can't justify taking over what I feel to be their job at keeping it clean. My husband suggested something to me early on in our parenting career that I thought was brilliant and have whole-heartedly adopted with our children and has worked pretty well. It can be adapted to various circumstances and levels of strictness and cleanliness. I’d like to introduce you to The Mad Bag.

My Mother-in-law invented The Mad Bag though I was never really clear on its etymological history—whether she used it when she was mad or it made the kids real mad when she brought it out or whether “mad” meant crazy was all rather fuzzy but the point is this: When her kids left things around the house she’d bring out the bag, scoop up the items and pop! They were gone.

It’s so simple it’s brilliant, I should design The Mad Bag and market it to the masses but the theory is this: if your children care so little about their things as to leave them lying about they forfeit a right to ownership. I don’t know if she kept things for good or if the children could win back items for good behavior or buy back the items with money but I’ve adopted it to fit our needs and it’s worked well.

When the kids leave for school I do a sweep of the upstairs bedrooms to make sure things are tidy and if I see things on the floor that shouldn’t be there they’re mine. Clothes lying in the bottom of the closet? Mine. Underwear that didn’t make it to the hamper? Mine. Clothes draped in unusual places? All mine, and sometimes when I’m feeling especially feisty I take toys as well. I keep them (sometimes it takes the child a while to realize something’s missing) but once they’ve discovered it gone they know where it is and when they come looking for it they don’t get it back until they can keep things in order for three days with no slips. No slips.

It works pretty well and keeps things clutter free though sometimes, and this happens with me too, things start to build up until the drawers and corners have too many things tucked away and I do a forced “Clean Out Your Dresser Drawers Or I Will” Day.

My own mother did a similar thing. When we came home from school we would take off our shoes, coats and backpacks by the front door. Then after our snack we’d pick things up and put them away. If, however, we failed to clean up our things Mom would scoop up the stuff and throw it outside. Just like that. On the lawn. In the snow. Sometimes we wouldn’t discover we’d lost our shoes and coats until the next morning when we were getting ready for school and let me tell you, something about finding your shoes and coat under three inches of new snow has a way of chiseling responsibility into your brain.

So what do you do? If your kids are old enough are you battling this too or do you just go along with your kids’ unique attempts at feng shui? Now’s the time to give any suggestions that might be helpful or tell what has or has not worked for you. I could use all the help I can get.

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