Binge Eating Victims

I don't know if I've done a proper confession here but I LOVE to eat. Some things more than others but food is one of my favorite things. I did a post at the beginning of the year on my favorite diet treats but that just makes me sound like a pillar of self control. Not so.

No, in fact I've have my binges with the best of them and here's the most memorable. I warn you, it ain't pretty.

1. Brussel sprouts. Susan at Food Blogga posted her recipe for Brussel sprouts on Botox a year ago and I've made it up seven or eight or twenty times since then--oh they're good. As it happens, I love Brussel sprouts. I get kind of excited when I buy them at the grocery store (especially if I'm shopping hungry) and I usually buy more than I should but no one here besides me will touch them. I know! I'm shocked too! Anyway, last time I made them I kind of horded them and ended up eating the batch. The whole batch. In fact, after eating so many I got pretty sick which my children found oddly humorous--the fact that someone would eat so many Brussel sprouts of their own free will that they'd get sick cracked them up. They just don't understand me at all.

2. Twigs. Do you remember these cheesy-sesame bits of heaven? I don't think they make them anymore but I really remember them fondly. I used to buy boxes in college periodically though I don't think I can make a box last longer than a day.

3. Half a bag of Caesar salad croutons. This one may be my most recent bitter regret. Oh sure, they tasted good going down but who wants to wake up at three in the morning remembering the indulgence? They stayed with me as a garlicky penance for half the next day. Darn salad.

4. Vlasic pickle relish. This one's specific--I'm not really a pickle relish connoisseur or anything but Vlasic makes this dill relish that is really good. No, REALLY good. So good I caught myself eating a spoonful straight from the little expensive jar with nothing to accompany it. Then another. And another until who needed hot dogs? I'll just skip the processed meat product and go straight for the condiment--a meal fit for a white trash king.

5. Smokehouse almonds. Who was it who first looked at an almond and said, "You know these little babies are good and all but what they really need is some hydrogenated soybean oil, some fake smoke flavoring and a ton of salt? Well whoever he is (and I'm betting it's a HE, this has "male" written all over it) was a genius. I can eat a whole can at a sitting if someone doesn't shoot me first. Save me from myself!

6. Brie. I'll just refer you to this post here. Enough said.

7. Cheese in general. I LOVE cheese, but my favorite thing to do (and this is just embarrassing to admit) is to cut off a chunk, throw it on a plate and nuke it until it's a little cheesy puddle on my plate then slurp up the melted strings with moans of satisfaction. Yes I'm odd. But it tastes mmmmmmm . . .

8. Nachos. Which reminds me of my nacho experience. You see when I was a kid there was a neighborhood Quick Stop that was at the Outer Limits of the Biking Border--or the farthest place we were allowed to ride on our bikes for a good portion of my childhood. They had this magnificent candy store there where you could buy every candy on earth (I was partial to the little Sweet Tart skeletons that came shaped like tiny bones in their own little plastic coffins. How morbid is that? What next? Dissect-a-Frog bubble gum pieces?) Anyway, I used to ride my banana-seat bicycle to the Quick Stop and buy my contraband there and I remember secretly buying a giant sized bag of Doritos. I don't think Mom ever knew. Or she probably did--I bet the ring of powdery neon orange around my lips was a dead giveaway.

9. 1-pound bar of Hershey's chocolate. While I was buying the nachos I decided that the perfect accompaniment to the meal would be a monster bar of chocolate. Without almonds--that would have been too healthy. This lasted only a little longer than the bag of Doritos--but not much.

10. Arby-Q sauce. Oh man I love this stuff! I hardly ever eat at Arby's, it's kind of expensive and all, but boy I do love their special barbecue sauce. If they bottled it I'd buy it for sure--though maybe that wouldn't be a fabulous idea because I'd probably end up drinking it. Anyone who's opened one of the little packets and dumped the whole contents into her mouth can't be trusted with a whole bottle of the stuff. And she probably shouldn't be allowed to be around children either--of course it's all just hypothetical of course. If someone actually ate that kind of thing . . .

11. Pizza. I've never told Andrew but I bet I could put away a whole pizza by myself (just like I've never told him what I weighed at the time that Grace was born--that's just my little secret). I'm such a pizza fan that I've only once met a pizza--or a topping--that I didn't like and the rest didn't live long enough to tell the tale. Luckily I have my husband eating with me at most times at night which keeps my pizza binging in check, otherwise I'd be doomed. DOOMED! You know how they say don't drink alone? Well I don't eat pizza alone.

12. Donuts. Same said about donuts, there isn't a kind they make that isn't a temptation--though the cake ones aren't my thing so much. I can resist those pretty well but then for some reason I don't think they qualify as legitimate donuts per se. You've got to have yeast to be a donut in my book. Persians . . . Bavarian creams . . . cinnamon twists . . . plain old glazed goddesses . . . maple bars . . . jellies . . . apple fritters . . . egg donuts . . . they don't stand a chance around me.

13. Cherry pie filling. Oh this deserves the number one spot because I still have trouble with this stuff. I love it love it love it and can snarf it down if I'm left without supervision. Mom used to keep cans of the stuff in the pantry when I was a kid and what does it say about me that I'd sneak a can and eat it just like that? I don't think I've mentioned it to Mom, I should probably come clean and fess up after all these years of quiet guilt.

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