Ridiculous Car Names

Do you ever see a commercial for a new car and wonder who on earth ever let that name clear marketing? Plenty of times I've heard some strange new name and wondered why the car powers that be would think it could compel me to investigate their product.

Maybe I'm a traditionalist but names like Corvette, Aston Martin, Barracuda, Phantom, Jaguar and Viper snap out at you and say "I'm cool--look at me!" while the others on this list . . . don't. Oh, and being a minivan is no excuse for having a dumb name--we moms like to have cool car names as much as the guy driving the Ferrari. We just have trunk space.

1. Chevrolet El Camino. Maybe I'm influenced by this possibly being the ugliest car ever created--no really, the ugliest--but that's another list for another day. However, correct me if I'm wrong but "El camino" in Spanish means "The walk." Is it just me or does that seem to be a downright marketing BOMB? And being that Andrew is fluent in Spanish I have been informed that camino can also mean "road" so perhaps they were focusing on the other meaning rather than an alternative form of transportation. Because to me it's like slapping a big sticker on a car that says "Be prepared to use your feet."

2. Ford Festiva. Perhaps American car companies should shy away from trying to sound too South of the Border because it just isn't working for me. Does Festiva really mean anything? I know it's supposed to sound like something festive but given the size and power of the car in question I'm not really thinking that the gimmick is working too well. It's like naming the shortest, tiniest guy on the team "Killer McGraw" or something. False advertising I think is what that's called. The British came up with a good name for a small car--Mini Cooper. Diminutive, simple, cute but not stupid.

3. Toyota Avalon. Okay follow the thought process here with me for just a moment. If you're a car company what kind of values would you try to convey? Perhaps solidity, dependability, sex appeal, speed? So it would make perfect sense to call your new car "Avalon" which basically is a mythical place that has become a metaphor for transient and unrealized hopes--a place that cannot be found which will remain forever undiscovered.

Sounds to me that it means I'm going to have a hard time remembering where I parked my vehicle at Walmart. Now that would be a good commercial! A woman wandering around and around the parking lot, groceries in her hand, just looking and looking for her lost car. "What are you seeking ma'am?" "I'm looking for my Avalon!" "Well good luck, I don't expect you'll ever find it!" Apparently Toyota thinks Australians feel as I do because there they call it the Aurion down there. Not that that's much better.

4. Ford Aspire. You know it's occurred to me that maybe those years in English classes reading Derida have backfired on me--perhaps I'm reading too much into the language and need to get a life instead of deconstructing car names but have you ever thought about why on earth they named a car the "Aspire"? Because it's trying to be a better car? It "aspires" to be something you'd actually like to buy? Because it's an inferior product and it's really feeling bad about it and wants to be something better? Or are they talking "aspire" as a biological function? Either way it lacks.

Sometimes I think they must have only got past the first entry in the dictionary when they looked the word up. Words carry so much more meaning than the average car producer would expect.

5. Acura MDX. So maybe going for the robot name is the route to take? You don't get mocked on anyone's blog for naming a car with just some meaningless numbers or letters right?

Well . . . that probably depends on whose blog it is. Oh, and which letters or numbers you pick. Because I think the Audi TT is a hot little name--short and sweet and I'm always in the mood to buy me one of those.

But an MDX?? I can hardly remember what random series of letters it is and it kind of sticks in the throat like a bad batch of sushi. So if you need a quick tutorial: FJ Cruiser: good, Cadillac STS or (Holy Hannah!) the BMW X3 SAV: bad. Very very bad. It's not a car it's a computer language. No, I take that back because binary code would probably be easier to remember than the combination of letters and numbers coming out of Stuttgart.

6. Ford Focus. Ah yes, I've come to the Ford Focus which begs the question "What is one focusing on?" The road? The gas gauge? The speed limit? What? Does it mean that the car's identity is rather blurry and undefined? Does it mean it's hard to see? Does it mean that Ford thinks we're all misdirected and need to realign our values with theirs? I'm not quite sure what the point of it all is, all I know is that it's a silly, silly name drawn up by men in an office who most undoubtedly do not drive their own product. I'd bet you money on that. Ford's got some geniuses working in their Auto Naming Division, they've made the list more than any other manufacturer.

7. Toyota Solara, Buick Alero, Buick LeSabre, Buick Reatta and Chrysler LeBaron. And any other ridiculously made up name that sounds like the latest NBA Allstar or Hip Hop queen. I should Google Sentra to see if it really means anything at all--sometimes car companies can surprise you and names like Pontiac, Corvette or Impala actually do mean something. Do you know what an impala is? Or who Pontiac was? Maybe that's what I need around here--to get a car named after me because that would be the greatest PR move of all blogging history. Would you buy a Scribbit?

Okay maybe not. Forget that I ever mentioned it.

8. Dodge Diplomat, Pontiac Parisienne, Chevrolet Celebrity, Ford Crown Victoria, Lincoln Versailles. The cars that grasp so ridiculously at poshness that they embarrass themselves in the process. Has there been any owner of any Crown Victoria anywhere that has the remotest delusion that British royalty find their car attractive? Is there anyone brainless enough to feel more like a Parisienne by driving a PONTIAC? I think the French have actually outlawed the word "Pontiac" from their language.

9. Pontiac Aztek and Chevy Luv. This is the group of misspelled names that are orthographically offensive. Who was it who first said "What this here SUV needs is a big ol' K on the end--forget that whimpy C!" Because Aztecs are more fearsome with a K. Why stop there and just shoot for that bloodthirsty X? AzteX. Now that's a dangerous vehicle.

And even more ridiculous is the notion that the words "love" and "truck" go together--because last time I checked issues such as torque and engine size and towing capacity were not typically influenced by romance. Unless perhaps it's one's love for one's truck? Maybe?

I guess I'm just having a hard time seeing any cowboy jumping out of his Chevy Luv truck to go rope him some cattle. It's the truck sponsored by Brokeback Mountain.

10. Chevrolet Nova. Okay this one is just hilarious. You might know what "nova" means in English--especially if you're any kind of a PBS fan. A rebirth, a new beginning, etc. Fair enough and that would typically stand fine as a car name I suppose. But translate it into Spanish and suddenly your "no-va" doesn't run. Oops! And they wondered why South American sales were down. Who wouldn't run to buy a car named the "No Go"?

11. Saturn Vue. I think Saturn prides themselves on pithy, hip names. As if that means their cars emit fewer toxic gases if the names are shorter. They got away with the Ion, Aura and Sky--those sound more eco-friendly than any car on the road right? But then we've got the Vue. Is it Voo or View? Not sure and I wouldn't try pronouncing it without coaching first--but then it could be worse. I could be driving the Astra which sounds like it ought to be the name of the Jetson's new robotic maid. Or the Touareg which (though being a car I would love to own) is absolutely unintelligible. Farfegnugen!

12. Daewoo. I own a Korean car, love it all the way but I have to say that Hyundai isn't the most consumer-friendly name. It's too close to Honda and the first time I saw it I was slightly confused and then I've heard people pronouncing it different ways. At least with "Honda" there's only one way to say it and it's pretty solid in name recognition. Which is why I don't understand "Daewoo." All I can figure is that "Daewoo" must mean something pretty darn cool in Korean. Maybe "great forks of lightning streaking across the sky at high noon" or something like that.

Either that or there's a Mrs. Daewoo who insisted on having the company named after her, which is probably the more obvious choice. I kind of want to giggle when I say this name because it sounds like you're talking with a lisp.

13. Oldsmobile. The granddaddy of bad car names--it's so bad they couldn't just stop with one model they had to name the WHOLE COMPANY this ridiculous name. I don't care that it's named after Mr. Olds if the man had had any kind of vision he would have fired the first person who suggested calling his cars Oldsmobiles.

My grandparents drive one which pretty much says it all. In fact it was kind of funny, after living through the World War II years I doubt they'd ever consider buying a German or Japanese car--it would smack of treason to them--and when they were in the market for a new sedan and I was talking to them about their future purchase I jokingly said "Oh I bet you'll get an Oldsmobile!" but the blink-blink-blink I got from Grandma soon showed it was no joking matter. And sure enough, they drove home with a nice, gently-used Oldsmobile--tan in color. And in defense of Oldsmobiles everywhere they've loved every minute of their sweet ride.

Sometimes it's all in the name--I've never touched a Lambourghini Countach but I still speak the name with reverence. Has anyone ever felt that way about an Oldsmobile? It's the car that comes with it's own oxygen tank and support hose.

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