Tuesday, November 25, 2008

How to Escape from Duct Tape and Other Valuable Tidbits

Life As I Know It tagged me for a meme. ME! How did she know I was achingly empty and without any time to come up with a real post? So today I'm doing a meme called an "honesty" meme which I have to point out is bordering on the offensive, I mean aren't we always honest here? [she says self-righteously]. But I'm going to try and be even more honest wherever possible with some soul-wrenching, heartfelt, truth-or-dare confessions about what I'm really like.

And that part I just wrote about being "achingly empty and without any time"? That ought to count as my first honest part because it is. Honest that is.

1. I'm a master of escape. No, really--I took this rather odd self-defense class once that taught me all sorts of strange James Bond moves like how to defend yourself with a credit card (and no, it doesn't involve charging someone to death but you should have seen what it did to the apple that I practiced on) and how to save myself if anyone ever chooses to trap me by super gluing me to something. Or wrapping me up with duct tape.

Please ignore my painting pants, I was taking a break from painting the house when Spencer and I made this video. I don't always look that slobby--and I'm being honest.

2. I'm not really a "kid" person. Yes I love MY kids--that's completely different--but I'm not really someone who gushes over babies, at least not typically. There are exceptions. I'm very partial to newborns because they have that freshly baked smell and those little froggy legs that spring up so cute and the little pea-toes and they crinkle their necks up so cute. But usually once babies get big enough to produce atomic diapers and runny noses and cry with more gusto than that plaintive little wail I'm less enthusiastic. I mean I still think they're a good idea but just not right up close. I like my niece Lucy--she's really fun--but generally I can just appreciate how cute they are from a distance and not need to touch them to get the full maternal experience.

3. I'm not a touchy-feely-huggy person. In fact no one in my extended family really is and I'm always rather fascinated by people who are the "huggy" types because they do it so well where I fail miserably. I'll hug Andrew or the children and do just fine but friends? People at church? Siblings? Nope.

Not unless someone initiates the hug first and then it becomes apparent that they're expecting me to participate and I would never want to offend them or make them feel uncomfortable by leaving them hanging so I join in. I'm sure though that when someone hugs me under those particular circumstances that they immediately think, "What? Am I hugging a piece of plywood?" Because I'm so awkward about it once I'm involved that it all comes off rather poorly. The "where do I put my hands?" issue and the "oh my goodness, she's got ample bosom" issue or the "how long do I maintain this full-contact clasp?" issue all rather confuse me.

Thank goodness I'm not European where I'd be faced with the kissing issue on top of everything. Which, incidentally one of my children--I'll not say which--came home talking about how they'd seen a woman at church "French kissing" me. Andrew and I stopped dead in our tracks and stared slack jawed at the child before regaining composure enough to shriek, "WHAT??"

Turns out the child saw someone do that kiss on the cheek move to me and recognized--very dimly--that it was a rather European-style activity but got it twisted in their mind that it was called "French" kissing because afterall we all know those French people know a thing or two about kissing.

Not to worry, we set the child straight after asking if they'd told anyone else--anyone at all do you hear me??--what they'd just repeated to us. That's the kind of thing a kid goes and tells their teacher at school in front of the whole class then the teacher looks at you rather oddly at parent-teacher conferences.

4. I hate thinking about "things." I don't particularly care what kind of a car I drive but darn it, when I stick that key in the engine it better run properly. I don't really care too much about the house I live in so long as the lights come on when I flip the switch and I have those blessed things known as indoor plumbing and central heating.

That's probably what's been hardest about this whole stupid remodeling project, that I've had to care about stuff when normally I tend to care so very little. Which doorbell is better (as if ANYONE on the planet cares what kind of a doorbell I have) or which hinge is better, which color of paint for the walls, which color of carpet for the floors. Whether I want pine or maple here and hemlock or yellow cedar there. I'm really, really tired of having to think about "things" and how they'll look or function because life just isn't about things but it sure seems like that the last four months have been incongruously monopolized by my forced attention in this area.

Hold on girl, it's only going to be a few more days and I can go back to not caring at all.

5. I'm naturally very skeptical. Even though I am a religious person and believe in the principle of faith I tend to have a hard time just believing something merely because someone says it or because it's in print. Call it the rebel in me or whatever but when someone has a hard-to-believe story they tell at a party I'm the one saying "Now wait a minute are you SURE? What are the facts? Have they been verified? And not by a friend-of-a-friend?"

You know how everyone gets those emails occasionally that try to convince you that the world is going to end if some particular law is enacted and then they try to get you to send emails or letters to your congressmen to stop the holocaust? I'm the kind who says "That couldn't possibly be for real" followed by "Delete."

I've thought about it a bit and haven't come to the conclusion as to whether this puts me further towards the "good person" box or the "bad person" box but regardless, I have a hard time believing what are often labeled "faith promoting" stories--nowadays stuff gets passed around so easily via the internet and even word of mouth that urban legends, particularly faith-based ones really are rampant.

Once again, I am very religious and the stuff I do believe I stick too it pretty strongly but I just have a hard time getting a new hard-to-believe idea past all the reasons why it couldn't possibly be legitimate. And if you don't believe me just ask Andrew.

6. I can palm a basketball. Not that this has anything to do with honesty, I just think it's kind of cool and used to impress guys back in high school. In a rather juvenile way I guess.

My brother is much better at it than I am, he can grab it on the fly while I have to hold it still to keep it in place--but then he's 6'4" and wears a size 27 FFFF shoe or something like that so it's like grabbing gumballs to him.

Where did this skill take me? Was I the star of the basketball team? Nope--I disliked basketball so it was a complete waste I guess. Well perhaps not a total waste, my tall genes have passed onto my sons who happen to like basketball very much so at least those inches were good for something--besides palming basketballs.

And that's all the honesty I have time for today folks. The carpet guys just left for the day and I get to move furniture back into the family room. When they showed up they shook their heads and said, "I think there's been a mistake--you the folks that ordered BLACK carpet?"

Why yes we are. And it looks smashing if I do say so myself.

***

Janet from Fayetteville, North Carolina was this week's giveaway winner and has won the Evenflo Symphony carseat--the carseat of kings. Starting Saturday I've got a week of giveaways coming and your odds are pretty good that you'll win something so stay tuned!

Sponsored by Tiny Prints--The place for the perfect holiday invitations.

Technorati tags: duct tape, memes

43 comments:

chelle said...

haha that duct tape escape was awesome.

Jolanthe @ No Ordinary Moments said...

makes me want to try the duct tape thing - maybe that can be our Thanksgiving entertainment this year!

or relief if we just get everyone tied up...

Lucy said...

Cannot believe it. Someone who feels as I do about hugging. I actually stiffen up when somebody tries that. I think it is personally invasive. But I probably need a pshyc anyway.

Lizzybee said...

That is a handy little trick. I always have trouble tearing off a piece too tho-is that silly of me? Am I using some sort of extreme duct tape?

Oh well, good to keep in mind, hopefully will never need it!

MoziEsmé said...

Wow - just laying it all out there, huh?!

It's scary how I can relate too well to most of your admittances. Except basketball. At 5'1", I'm great at the free throw shot and that's about it. That was always my secret weapon...

Edi said...

Well I totally would have loved attending that type of self-defense class as I enjoy reading/learning about survival type stuff. Right now I'm in the midst of a book on how a guy survived 70 some days adrift at sea.

And don't feel bad about being a non-hugging person - there are others like you no doubt. Since my family lives 1000 miles away and I only see them about once a yr - it's always an awkward thing about "to hug or not to hug" when we see each other or on leaving. We are all uncomfortable with it - never having been huggers as children.

3 Bay B Chicks said...

Escaping from duct tape. Wow! I now feel equipped to take on any madman that may come my way. Hilariously funny. Thank you for sharing. I loved how your kids wanted to get in on the action too. "Let me try!"

And your confession about not really being a "kid" person, I couldn't agree more. I have two of my own, but has thoroughly enjoyed our life journey together as they have gotten older. I would be completely content if someone else could handle the first six months of their young life. (WAIT...did I just put that in print...yikes! What kind of mother does that make me?)

So glad that I found you on the blogosphere this morning.

-Francesca

patty w said...

The duct tape destroyer ! Cute!

I've always been naturally suspicious and skeptical of everyone and quite frankly, it has served me well!

Guess you wouldn't want to be my friend, I have a tendency for being touchy-feely ! (not in inappropriate places, of course...well, not usually!)

{{ no hugs no more }} LOL

tjhirst said...

Love the duct tape moves. I was surprised how fast you got out of that and enjoyed your honest answers.

calicobebop said...

The duct tape escape is AWESOME! All knowledge is worth something - you never know when you might need to escape! Sadly, now your kids know that duct tape won't hold you... :)

J at www.jellyjules.com said...

Black carpet? I can't wait to see pictures. :)

Now I'm wondering if I hugged you when I was in Anchorage...I'm not a big hugger, but I do hug, and I was having a hard time and might have needed a hug right then...oh dear, I really don't know. Hmmm. Well, if I did, you pulled it off, and I didn't know it threw you off. ;)

I feel the same way about 'things'. I think that's why, when we had one nice car and one junky car, I was always the one who got to drive the junky one. Because I couldn't care less.

Good for you for being skeptical. There's so much stupidity out there, you need a bit to keep it from seeping into you head. I remember my old roommate said once that elephants are cannibalistic, as evidenced by the elephant graveyards. That gave me a headache.

Oh, and when Maya was a baby and I was lamenting to my mom that I couldn't afford to stay home with her and had to go to work, she suggested that I might take in a few other kids as a day care situation, and afford it that way. I was horrified at the idea of having to care for other people's kids every day. The horror.

Janet said...

Yep, we're doing the duct tape thing, too. That was amazing.
And the French kissing? Yikes.
My mother likes to send all those emails. My sister and I just redirect her to Snopes.

janeywan said...

An honest post, so refreshing! Makes me want to give you a hug. :)

Lara said...

I am so with you on numbers 2 and 3. Perhaps they go hand in hand? Who knows?

Org Junkie said...

I love your honesty, it's so refreshing!!

Adventures In Babywearing said...

Hilarious. I have a feeling with 4 kids I might need to know this someday!

Steph

Duke, Kathryn, & Seamus said...

It was fun to learn more about you. I don't think it really matters if you forward those e-mails. Are you really going to have 20 years of bad luck if you don't forward an e-mail to your friends within 5 minutes? I doubt it!

Michemily said...

That duct tape thing is really useful . . . because I'm sure the next time someone kidnaps me, they'll just leave me there with a couple of layers of duct tape around my hands. ;)

Anyway, I'm not touchy-feely either, and being in Germany has been an adjustment, but not in the way you'd think. It's the sister missionaries. They're like hugging machines! (I also noticed this when I worked at the Family History Library.) I always feel awkward, so I try to say something or think about something else when hugging. Yesterday I got accused of giving only half a hug and had to give another one. Eeee.

Trina said...

I can relate to your over skeptical nature. I have a very stong belief in the Lord, but there are things I hear like people getting healed of a sickness or a physical aliment or whatever and I'm thinking, are you sure? I would need to see it with my own eyes to make sure it was all hype.

Tiff said...

Now you know that there will be moms out there ducttaping there hands together to try that. I sure hope it works. LOL or they are going to be in trouble! LOL.

I don't like thinking about things either. We have been remodeling our house since we moved here two years ago. UGH!! Can't it stop already!!

thepipers said...

I hope I never have to use that skill that you just taught us!

I learn so much from this blog. You know, like how to make homemade jelly and how to escape from duct tape. :-)

Ally said...

Wow, someone else who dislikes the whole hugging thing. My inlaws are big huggers ( and kissers) and no they are not European. I've gotten used to it now, but when I first got married, I thought for sure I'd have to divorce him or move away from his space-invading family. I chose to move away.

grafxgurl said...

for number 5... i would say you need a little faith. and discernment...that comes from Jesus!

Anonymous said...

For checking on those email things, try snopes.com. They go around proving / disproving rumors and half of the time someone emails me something, I just go on there and find the truth on snopes! I love it!

Ann said...

I always enjoy reading about people. I mean really getting to know some of those... "me" things.
It makes me want to come over and give you a hug. (Ha.Ha.)

Thanks for sharing~I'll be back to read more. Now, I have to go get the duct tape. I've got a challenge waiting to be tackled or torn. :D

GNO Gals, Jyl and Carissa said...

Honesty meme eh? that's funny. I figure if you keep getting tagged and you even keep answering I should maybe pony up and stop whining about em?

Honesty meme...though, could get ugly!

Enjoy your duct tape!!

Carissa

thediaperdiaries said...

I do not for the life of me understand how we have evolved as people to a point where hugging has become a standard greeting. And I have a friend that kisses. Ewww. I barely like these things from family. I have touching issues too :)

Diane said...

The kids, the hugging, the skepticism (I'm constantly working on that), the thinking. We're having an addition put on and the contractor seems amazed that as the woman, I really don't care too much about the floors, or fixtures or closet doors and always refer him to my wonderful hubby for choices. Now mess with my window seat I've always wanted, or the dimmer switches on the lights that I can't live without and there's a problem.
I can't however palm a basketball.
I really enjoyed your post and just had to comment.

Melissa-Mc said...

I love the video.

I also don't like thinking about "things." I'm all for function more than style.

karen said...

THANK YOU!!! The how-to video is just in time - we're spending the long weekend with the kids' hockey teams and I think this will be the PERFECT thing to fill up some between games time. My husband is not so sure the other parents will appreciate it but I think they'll all come around...

Sheri said...

I'm with you on the hugging thing, I just don't like it. But I'm afraid not to reciprocate, so I try and it's so awkward. I can only hug my kids and husband.

Oh, and on the kids thing. I felt like such a failure to finally admit that I really only enjoy my kids. I'd try to get excited for playdates when I'd babysit my friend kids, but I wasn't feeling the joy. I like other kids fine, but I don't enjoy them and never wanted to be around them. I always felt guilty for that too, just like the hugging thing. I feel much better now that you shared the same feelings. Thanks! :)

Heather said...

Wow, we are similar in a lot of ways in this post. I always feel awkward when I have to hug people other than my family.

"So easy even a 6-year-old can do it." Funny!

LLG said...

I hear ya about the baby thing. I don't have kids myself, I would like them one day but right now I am content with life. I don't need to hold a child or even be near one to understand or feel the baby experience. I am quite happy admiring them far away. Unlike you I would rather wait a couple of days to see a newborn. I think all babies are beautiful bla bla but that first two days they are not as pretty as they come to be. They are all covered in goo! Love your blog!

Laura said...

I have learned a very valuable life-saving skill today, thanks! :)

Summer said...

I'm with you on 2,5 and 6. I've never thoroughly enjoyed other people's kids. I was the girl everyone called to baby sit and I never wanted too. Perhaps it's because I was the oldest of 5 and was the babysitter at home so often.

I played basketball in High School and I miss it so much!

BlapherMJ said...

I'll have to try the duct tape escape one day! I think your honesty on many of those subjects is shared by lots of us! :-)

Liz@thisfullhouse said...

Heh, I hugged Michelle and I liked it :)

I took a similar self defense class and learned how to defend myself with pretty much everything in my purse, at the moment.

One can do a lot of damage with a set of car keys.

Sheesh, what a pleasant holiday thought...huh!?!?

Still, it's important we learn how to protect ourselves.

Oh, and -- coming from a person who tends to breaks things, a lot -- duct tape is AWESOME. Happy Thanksgiving!

all over the map said...

It's understandable that you are not a touchy/huggy person because you were raised that way.
I was raised completely the opposite. We always greet with embraces & kisses. I never really understood why anyone was uncomfortable with embracing or greeting with a kiss until I realised that it was simply what they were shown growing up. Just goes to show the differences in the way different families do things and how we are shaped and molded by what we are surrounded with.
I, honestly, prefer being a touchy-feely-huggy person but of course I don't really know any other way and the opposite is just foreign to me. Other people who are stiff and rigid make me feel uncomfortable when they attempt to engage but don't really want to. I'd rather they not and I totally respect their feelings.

crazy working mom said...

Very interesting tidbits of information and I loved the duct tape video! :) I hope to never need to use this info, but I'm glad I've got it nonetheless.

Grace @ Sandier Pastures said...

This is so cool. I'm so buying a duct tape now and try this!

Grace @ Sandier Pastures said...

and Michelle...escaping from duct tape..is there anything you CAN'T do? :-)

Patois said...

I so, so, so hate hugging. I knew there was a reason I wanted to run right up to you and...shake your hand.

CoconutKate said...

I'm with you on the huggy bit. You'd never make it here in Hawaii. I can't tell you how many kisses I get when I go to church. It took a LOT of getting used to, and I have to say, I'm no good at returning those kisses. It will be one of the things I will NOT miss about Hawaii.