Fast Food Favorites

I've been trying to eat more healthily lately. Well, lately means since Christmas when I was joined by a few extra pounds that seem to be amazingly needy and clingy. So you might think it's odd that I'm listing some of my favorite fast food indulgences but it's mostly out of an extreme longing for the things I'm trying to avoid right now. Maybe once the jeans aren't feeling quite so tight I can go back to enjoying my transfats and cholesterol cravings guilt-free but for now all I can do is dream . . .

1. Blackberry Milkshakes. While I'll admit that I don't think I've ever had a bad milkshake the ones I crave the most are at our local burger den, Arctic Roadrunner. They've been in business since . . . like, forever and because of those blackberry shakes I've written the restaurant into my will.

Have you ever heard how many calories are in a regularly-sized milkshake? It's something like 6500--give or take--but I love them with a passion that will never die.

2. Peach Cobbler Milkshakes. Which is why I'm going to mention one other of my favorites before moving on. When I lived in Provo, Utah during my days at school there was this local burger place called Stevenettes--or at least that's what we called it. I'm actually not certain that that's what the name was, rumor was that Steve Young owned the place but that's probably just one of those urban legends (or rather a rural legend, I wouldn't exactly call Provo a metropolis or anything).

But at any rate they had, among other wonders, these milkshakes in any flavor you could dream up and my favorite was peach cobbler which had little bits of shortbread cookies mixed in with the chunks of peach suspended in all that fattening glorious ice cream. The day I gave birth to Grace Andrew brought me one in the hospital to celebrate. If you're in the area go get one and enjoy it for me.

3. Burger King onion rings. French fries are fine--don't think I've got anything against them--but onion rings are the food of the gods. Burger King's are my favorite. You know when you bite into an onion ring but you don't quite get all the way through the onion inside so you end up having to slurp the soft little onion guy out of the deep-fried batter tube? Well that completely grosses Andrew out--it makes him cower in terror and I kind of do it just to watch him twitch.

4. Turkey bacon guacamole sandwiches at Quiznos. I've always loved Subway sandwiches but I must admit Quiznos' toasty goodness is even better. When I'm trying to be good, either with money or calories, I go to Subway but when I want pure pleasure? It's Quiznos. Every time it's the same thing: turkey bacon guacamole on wheat. I don't really know why I throw the "wheat" part in there, with all that fat it's not as if the wheat magically transforms it into a healthy meal but somehow it kind of makes me feel better and justifies the whole experience.

I've tried other sandwiches there and while they're fine and all I keep coming back to the good stuff and about a year ago I just completely gave up even thinking about ordering something new. Stick with the best, that's the way to live.

5. Broccoli Cheese Soup at Quiznos. So if I'm feeling really wild the only thing I'll do differently is to replace half the sandwich with a cup of their Broccoli Cheese soup which is seriously the best broccoli cheese soup on the planet. I don't know how they got it so cheesy and good and I don't really want to know but boy it's good. Andrew won't touch the stuff--he figures he doesn't have to eat any vegetables when he's eating out--but I've got Grace turned onto it.

6. Soft Tacos and Bean Burritos at Taco Bell. I'd never eaten at Taco Bell until I met Andrew then he changed my world. In fact on one of our first dates we were sitting in Taco Bell, probably staring deeply into each other eyes all mushy-like when it dawned on me that I had promised to take my sister and her friend into Salt Lake to see the Nutcracker. They had tickets and the show was starting in 15 minutes (it's a good hour's drive). I still feel guilty for making us late by being so flaky and it's been 16 years but I still also love Taco Bell and always get the same thing: a bean burrito and a soft taco. If I'm really hungry I might go wild and get two bean burritos and a soft taco or the other way around but it's always the same. Boy do I live on the edge, I'm like Thelma and Louise rolled into one package.

7. Taco Bell Sauce. Whatever I'm eating at Taco Bell I've gotta have their taco sauce--mild please. I love that stuff like crazy and need approximately two and a half packets for each tortilla-ed tasty I eat. I don't take hotel towels or ashtrays but I have been known to take a couple extra Taco Bell sauce packets home with me though I sorta stopped doing that because it felt kind of wrong. Something about cleaning the place out of mild sauce kind of made me feel like I needed to go to confession.

8. Quarter Pounders at McDonald's. Have you seen these commercials running right now on American Idol where it shows this guy biting into a Quarter Pounder and slowly reaching nirvana? Well they're working. I love Quarter Pounders though I can't really remember the last time I had one and something about those commercials where they zoom in on the burger and you can see the patty all shiny after its recent frying and the fake yellow processed cheese drooping seductively over the edge of the patty is getting to me. I can taste one every time they come on and it's been hard. So very hard.

9. Arby Q Sauce. Man I could drink this stuff it's so good. I never go to Arby's but if they sold this sauce in the supermarket you can be sure I'd be buying it. This site claims to have the recipe for it--I really ought to give it a try though if their claims are true who knows where my cravings would end? Pouring it on cold cereal? Over ice cream? It could be very bad. I don't know that I'm ready for it.

10. Schlotzsky's Sourdough. Why is it called sourdough? It doesn't really taste like I've come to remember sourdough tasting but that doesn't necessarily translate into a complaint. I looked the recipe up for this one as well and all the sites claiming to have the recipe say the same thing.

Ingredients:
1 package sourdough bun mix
water
yeast

Okaaaaay . . . sounds like it's easier to find weapons of mass destruction than it is to find a legitimate recipe for making these buns but that doesn't mean I will be stopped. I will experiment until I find a way. With or without the cooperation of the United Nations.

11. Apple Pies at McDonald's. The baked apple pies at McDonald's are really really good--and especially for only $.50--but if you want to really get me happy, if you want to take things to the next level then you need to order an apple pie but ask them to put it in a cup with some vanilla ice cream on top.

You heard me. Yes, it is legal and yes it can be done though you might get some little newbie working the drive through that balks a bit at first. Just be calm, be patient but be persistent. Tell them that they do it all the time for Michelle in Alaska--maybe that'll work.

12. Dipped Cones at Tastee Freeze. And to finish with the whole ice cream theme I'm going to put you wise to the greatest fast food menu item ever. Ready? Chocolate soft-serve cones at Tastee Freeze are fine but if you're really really lucky your local branch will have toasted coconut dip. You know--just like the chocolate shell that they dip the cone in and it hardens up so that it makes a mess when your toddlers try to eat it?

Well it's the same thing only here they have a bunch of dip flavors and one of them is toasted coconut. When you dip the chocolate into the sauce and it hardens it gives the cone this glorious golden glow and there are real pieces of coconut clinging to the cone, suspended in time and when you bite into it it is like eating a frozen ice cream-German chocolate cake on a cone. I've done a bit of experimenting and I have to say that using vanilla and strawberry soft serve for the base also has highly pleasing results as well but chocolate is the best. The very best.

Oh my I'm drooling. I need to go run some laps.

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