Why Don't I Just Give in and Drink Bacon Juice?

What if--just hypothetically--you were sitting in church one Sunday afternoon and trying to listen to the sermon but suddenly and irrationally the word "hollandaise" popped into your mind?

And then--stick with me here--you kind of fixated on that particular word to the point that you really didn't pay attention to the rest of the talk because you were fantasizing about asparagus covered in hollandaise sauce and remembering how you had a bunch of asparagus in your refrigerator and vowing that the moment you got out of church you were going to whip up some hollandaise bliss and cover yourself in it?

Just hypothetically of course. How bad would that be on a scale from one to ten? Because I'm rather ashamed of myself.

I was so rabid to have some hollandaise that I went home and did just that--well except the part about covering myself. I did refrain on that point but I made myself a plate of asparagus and ate the whole entire thing. Much to the relief of my children and husband.

I'm not sure why the craving hit so hard but it was all I could do not to pour it all into a glass and drink it down right there, which, as we all know, is about the worst thing one can possible do to one's body. I think reports say it's healthier to drink lye or gasoline than all that butter and egg delight.

Have you seen pictures of cholesterol coating the insides of people's arteries? Or pictures of liposuctioned fat, jiggling in a jar? Because it pretty much looks exactly like hollandaise. I could have melted down a one-pound bar of chocolate, inserted a straw and started slurping away and it wouldn't have been so depraved.

But the best news was that I had enough sauce left over that I did what I've never done before. I fixed myself eggs benedict the next morning. I've only had them one other time and it was when my mother and I were visiting Seattle together and were staying at the Woodmark Hotel. The view of Lake Washington out of the window and the gorgeous spring weather turned my head and I ordered something I'd never eaten before and loved it. Poached eggs on a bed of toast with slivers of lox and all covered with beautiful, glorious hollandaise.

I'm not sure how eggs benedict got its name but I'm quite sure it's either because you're a traitor for eating such an myocardial abomination or that you need a blessing from the pope to overcome such a gastronomical sin.

But to return to my story, the kids had all gone to school, I'd done my morning chores and the sun was streaming through the front window as I poached the eggs and laid them over my long square of toasted homemade bread. I didn't have salmon or the traditional ham but used smoked turkey and poured the liquid sunshine over the top before closing my eyes as I took the first bite. When it was all gone I did something I never do. I looked at the plate and thought, "I'm alone--no one is looking. . . ." and quickly picked up the plate and did a quick lick.

Which is about the time the doorbell rang. I jumped and nearly dropped the plate as I turned and saw through the full-length glass of our front door my sister standing there. Completely true.

But if you haven't made homemade hollandaise sauce for yourself you're missing out. Don't let me catch you buying one of those dry mix packets, just give the real thing a try. It goes together in five minutes but the happiness and calories will linger with you for days. . . .

3 egg yolks
1 tablespoon water
1 tablespoon lemon juice
1/2 cup butter, cut into tablespoons and at room temperature
freshly ground black pepper

In a small sauce pan whisk the egg yolks with the water and lemon juice. Then, in another bigger and deeper pan bring some water to a boil and hold the bottom of the saucepan in the boiling water. Drop one tablespoon of butter in at a time into the egg mixture, whisking it in to combine in then adding another tablespoon. You'll see it start to thicken very quickly and you can continue adding the butter until it's all incorporated. Stir it well to keep it smooth then top it with cracked pepper or paprika for color.

You will never be the same, I promise you.

Sponsored by Polkadot Peacock for children's bedding.