Being Advanced

About a year ago my husband Andrew and our son Spencer were in the car together. Who knows what they were talking about but there was a lull in the conversation and after a minute or two Andrew--being in a teasing mood--said, "Son, you're 12 years old now. It's time you were advanced. Would you like to be advanced?"

Spencer, totally confused and without a clue as to what "being advanced" meant had a vague idea that it was probably a good thing so he nodded and said, "Uh . . . yea!"

Whereupon Andrew said, "Good. You are now advanced."

And that was it.

From what started as a strange moment from a conversation in a car that was never meant to mean anything we've had a whole new opportunity open up to us as parents. Andrew wasn't actually serious when he asked Spencer if he'd like to become advanced but turns out that it hasn't been a joke at all.

Spencer came home that afternoon and told me the story, saying with a bit of pride, "So Dad says I'm advanced now."

"So what does being advanced mean?" I asked, confused.

He wasn't exactly sure, he just knew that it was a good thing. Which is why he immediately went to his younger brother and bragged about how he'd been advanced and David had not. At the dinner table that night David complained about why he hadn't been advanced too--as if we'd been passing out presents at Christmas and left him out--and what had started as a joke became a bit more serious.

"Well being advanced is important," Andrew said, "It means that you've shown us that you've grown up a little and are able to handle more responsibility and trust. It means that you're one step closer to being a man. You can be advanced too but it will take time and you'll have to prove to us that you're worthy of being advanced. Spencer still has more to go, he's just taken one step."

"Yea, I'm advanced because I'm older--" Spencer started to brag.

"Uh, that's the thing," Andrew continued, "part of being advanced is knowing you don't have to tell everyone how advanced you are. It's part of being more grown up and mature. Bragging about how you're so much more advanced than someone else just shows that you're not as advanced as I thought."

"Oh." And that was the end of that, at least for the time being because the idea stuck with them.

David didn't exactly like it, but rules were rules apparently and if he wanted to be considered for advancement himself he was going to have to work for it--and he has. Whenever Spencer, as the older child, wants to do something that David can't we use the explanation that it's because he's advanced and that David, too, can do that same activity once he too has advanced and oddly enough it's settled the argument and made both him sit up a little straighter.

There have been times when Spencer has done something kind or helpful and he'll say with a smile, "Well, you know that I'm advanced now." Sometimes he'll do something good and ask--half joking--if he's being more advanced and we'll answer--somewhat seriously--that yes, that was another move towards further advancement.

We've stumbled onto a great tool for molding our sons' behavior, they know that while being advanced carries more responsibilities it also carries more respect and privileges and it's a small step to becoming men.

My husband is a genius.

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