Loving Your Spouse More Than Your Kids

When I was a child I asked my mom the classic question: "If I fell in the water and was drowning and Dad fell in the water too and he was drowning would you save him or me first? Huh?"

Of course she gave me the typical mom response. "What do you mean? How can you ask me such a question? I love you both and I'd do anything for you."

But that didn't exactly satisfy me (apparently I was an extremely annoying and persistent child) and I pressed her, "But if you could only save one of us?"

I'm sure I remember her giving a little sigh and then sitting down to explain something. She told me how much she loved me (which I already knew, I was just being a pill and wanted to manipulate her I bet) but that my father was the most important person in her life, that she loved him and he loved her more than anyone else and that while they would both do anything for me they would always love each other the most.

It surprised me a bit, not because I felt slighted exactly--though I did--but because my parents' lives were so tied up with us children I just kind of expected that we were the center of their universes and my vanity wanted her to confirm this. It was the first indication that the family life did not, in fact, revolve around me but around something else--something far greater.

I received a lot of emails last week from my post on narcissism where I said parents should love each other more than the children. Some found it shocking, some found it sad and some were angry that I would suggest that children should not be at the center of life but I'm here to politely reaffirm that marriage, and not children, should be the center of a home.

Now I should mention briefly (very briefly) that I'm not talking about homes dealing with issues of abuse. Not only is this a crime and a tragedy but in homes where one parent chooses not to protect their children or who sacrifices their children' safety you're not dealing with issues of love. At the very least you're talking about fear--fear of abandonment, fear of what the neighbors might say if they found out, fear of the unknown but it's not love and it's never acceptable. Are we clear?

But in most homes we have so many things demanding our attention that it's no wonder we have trouble remembering where our strongest loyalties should be. Few people would argue that a man who places his work or career above his family or his marriage needs a lesson in priorities but what gets less publicity are the many women (and a growing number of men) who let their children and their job as a parent take priority over their marriage.

Now you may be skeptical and think that if a child knows that his parents place their marriage above everything--including parenting--that it would create insecurity, that the child would question his parents' love of him and feel disjointed from that parent-child bond stop and give the concept some thought: look at what happens in cases of divorce.

When a couple divorces, publicizing their dissolution and breaking the marriage (and family) apart what happens? Children become insecure, they question their worth, they might blame themselves and divorcing spouses spend time trying to convince the children that "Just because Mommy and Daddy stopped loving each other doesn't mean we'll stop loving you." To pull a marriage apart, even under significant--and possibly justifiable--provocations such as abuse or infidelity, puts the children at risk for self esteem issues, depression and all sorts of behavioral problems (not to mention increases their risks in future relationships with their own spouses).

Wouldn't it make sense, then, that the reverse is true? If a husband and wife put their own relationship at the center of their lives, making sure their children knew that they love each other above all others and that nothing will change that, instead of making children worry that they're unloved, they will feel more secure in the family and in the love their parents express for them. In essence, if mom and dad say they love each other and the children can see that it's true beyond all trials and adversity then it tells them that mom and dad must be telling the truth when they say they love them too.

I'd even go so far as to say that if you're having trouble connecting with a child, if there are behavioral issues, then you might consider your marriage. Is it doing well? Is there love in the home? What can you do to make sure the kids know you love your spouse and therefore that you love them too? Now I'm not saying that going out on a date will solve all your problems you may be having with your kids but I am saying that many, many problems in a home can be helped by a stronger and more loving marriage.

So how can you make sure your marriage is the most important relationship in your life? (the only relationship more important would be your relationship with your Creator) Don't let the kids come between you. Don't let them play you off of one another. Growing up I knew darn well that if I went to Mom and asked her for something and she said no, going to Dad would only get me a "So what does your Mother think?" I could never divide them and it was a good thing.

Be unified as a couple. With the possible exception of large moral and legal issues where the law might have a say it's probably more important that you are united in your decisions with the children than it is that you're right. Being right is hard to be anyway, it's much easier to be united and in the end it'll do more for your children.

Don't let the kids take time away from your marriage. Of course there are times when children need intensive attention and work--I'm not suggesting you ignore these times. Go ahead and give the some special one-on-one care when needed but don't regularly put Johnnny's peewee football game above time spent connecting with your husband. I know of many couples whose lives revolve around the children's activities and yet they seem to have very little time to be alone. Yes, the kids are only with you for a few short years but they will eventually leave home (one hopes) and you really don't want to be in a position of staring across the room at a stranger once they're gone.

Sometimes it's easy to show affection to children because they can be free with hugs and kisses and "I love you's" but be as free with your affections toward your spouse as you are toward your children. Yes, they're small and cute and their hugs are priceless and they belong to you but don't forget that there's someone else in your life who needs to feel your love as well--someone who has a lot more stress and frustrations and responsibilities and therefore needs your affirmation and support more than anyone else.

Take as much joy in doing things for your spouse as you do for your children. Often as mothers we'll go out of our way for our children and will put up with any amount of flakiness, angst or outright rudeness simply because they are our children and we love them unconditionally. If we could show that same tolerance and unconditional love toward our husbands it's hard to measure what the ultimate affect would be on our homes and even on society as a whole.

Putting your marriage first in your heart and your actions will not only strengthen your relationship and bring greater personal fulfillment but it will give your children an example of what a good marriage should be and it will give them permission to one day love their own spouses more than anyone else on earth too. While this may seem frightening to eventually have your children detach from your side and float off into the world to start their own families, you can give your children no greater blessing in life than the tools they need for their own happy marriage.

They'll thank you for it someday, I promise.

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