Oh My Goodness I'm in Love

Oh wow oh wow oh wow! I got a flyer in the mail advertising a boutique here in town that sells Oleana sweaters. I'd never heard of them before but the gorgeous photos on the card sent me hunting the web for more information.

And I have good news and bad news. First the good news: you can readily find places that sell these beautiful clothes.

And the bad news?  They come from the little town of Bergen, Norway where they are produced and sold for what can only be an excrutiatingly high price.  How high? Well I'm not sure except that it was reported that during Ms. Obama's last trip to the area she picked up several . . . you know? When her husband was tied up in Oslo with some little presentation or other?

In fact I have yet to find an actual price on any site I saw and that can only be a very, very bad indicator--kind of like a restaurant so fancy it doesn't print the prices on the menu? And under the theory that if you have to ask how much it costs you can't afford it, I'm guessing that I can't afford one but I can always hope, right?

Makes me wish I could knit better. 

But as for things I can afford, I've been loving some finger-linkin' good country lately.  Lucinda Williams' "Can't Let Go" and The Black Keys' "Howlin' for You" are mighty fine tunes. And actually, I've even been caught listening to Taylor Swift's latest album (that's the effects of having a teenage daughter around the house and totally not my fault).  Check them out if you fancy some down home tunes

Happy Monday

Well I saw this household tip a year or two ago and I'm not sure why I finally got around to trying it (maybe because I ran out of dryer sheets?) but it completely works like a charm.

Instead of dryer sheets, crumple a bit of aluminum foil into a four-inch ball and toss it in with your laundry to control static.  You have my word that I tested it myself just this week and it really does work.

Of course it doesn't give you that wonderful fake-flower, manufactured-perfumy, sickly-heavy, synthetic smell like a dryer sheet does which is a down-side for those of you who love that scent (can you tell where I stand on the issue?) but then nothing is perfect.

And the best part is that it's reusable. 

No need to send me flowers in appreciation, just knowing that your laundry is static-free and economical is thanks enough. Though I've always thought it would be nice to have someone name a child in my honor. . . .

And in unrelated news, this weekend Andrew and I saw The Eagle (mostly because it was the only thing that looked remotely interesting--there is so much junk in the theaters right now I don't know how the industry stays afloat) and it wasn't a bad movie at all--quite fun in fact.

We hadn't heard a thing about it before going to see it but it turns out that it's a movie version of the famous historical novel The Eagle of the Ninth by Rosemary Sutliffe that I coincidentally had just checked out of the library in an effort to interest the boys in manly fiction. They weren't interested because it was an "old-looking book" (sigh) but maybe after they see the movie they'll be more interested.

Taking place in 140 AD during the Roman conquest of Britain, it's the story of a young man (at least in the book he was young, this guy in the movie is closer to 35 than not which is practically at death's doorstep in Roman years) who arrives to avenge his family's honor. His father had lead a regiment of 5,000 men into the north 20 years before, never to be seen again (true story) and now Marcus Flavius Aquila is going to find out what happened and bring back the preciously symbolic brass eagle that the company had carried as a standard, because "It's not just a piece of metal, darn it, that eagle is Rome!"

Think of it as the greatest game of capture-the-flag ever played.  Of course he needs a faithful sidekick so Jamie Bell plays Esca, his British slave with a definite chip on his shoulder and a lot of modern philosophical tripe about how evil expansionism and imperialism are (though as for myself, I'm pretty grateful for the Roman Empire which really did civilize a lot of the world and allow us to enjoy the fruits of all sorts of great things from our democratic republic to Christianity to pizza).  Still, it's fun.  Probably because it's one of the few movies I've seen lately that seems to realize that CGI and blue screens have their place in the movie industry but shouldn't be a replacement for actual drama.

See it for the heroic feats, see it for the beautiful scenery (please tell me it wasn't filmed in Toronto or Vancouver--I want to believe that it really was Scotland) or see it for the ferociously savage blue men that make you grateful the Romans were the victors in that little neighborhood skirmish.  It's like Gladiator meets Braveheart, only cleaner (yes there are lots of battle scenes and talk of brutality but the actual blood and gore is done mostly out-of-shot) and I'd give it a solid B+.

If I've Learned Anything . . .

I have loved reading all the comments, advice, questions and emails you've sent with your own thoughts about reaching middle-age and while I don't know that I've got a book's worth of information on the subject (give me another 20 years and a lot more wisdom) I'll give you a few tender tidbits of things I have I've learned.

Be Content
I remember the nights of getting up with the babies or the torture of potty training (I'd go through childbirth again twice over if I could avoid potty training) but I didn't appreciate what it was teaching me.  Patience, organization, humility, perseverance . . . all things more valuable to my life than a degree or certificate but I tended to constantly think about how great things would be once I was onto something new.

But all that wiping and cleaning and teaching gives life a great deal of purpose--in fact, when people ask that question, "Why do so many bad things happen in the world?" I tend to think it's simply to give us all something to clean up.  If everything was smooth-sailing we'd all be very bored. Trust me on this one.

Be Brave
When I was expecting my second child and felt as attractive and mobile as an air-craft carrier Andrew was going through law school (as in completely absent) and I was managing two 30-unit apartment buildings.  I cleaned the empties and rented them out, managed the tenants, collected rent and generally did whatever it took to keep us afloat (again there's that boat metaphor).   As my due date approached I decided to quit the job "because I couldn't possibly handle two children and a job."

And now I just laugh at that.  Seriously . . . two kids and a job would seem like a vacation compared to what I was able to handle later on but parenthood is like any muscle: the more you exercise it the better and stronger it becomes until you're amazed at what you're able to handle.

What I'm trying to say is that it's perhaps unwise to base your decision on the size of your family on how you might feel at a particular given moment. I mean, if I based my decision on how many kids to have in those 15 minutes after delivering a child I'd have got my tubes tied right then and there.  Think in the big picture, taking in the whole scene of what you want your complete life to be rather than during a particularly trying and hard day where you say, "I'm never having another because I can't handle any more." You may feel differently as your abilities (and your children) grow and you might find that you'd wished you'd prolonged your motherhood experience when it's too late.

Of course this is a very personal decision between you and your spouse and unique to every situation but human beings are pretty amazing creatures and most likely you're pretty amazing too and can handle more than you think you can.

Be Fair
There were lots of times when I dealt with household or children's issues and got a little resentful of my husband. After all, why wasn't he getting up with the babies at 2 am or having to deal with the messes I did? I was easy to look at whatever it was he was doing and expect him to do more of what I was doing but that wasn't at all fair.

Because we'd chosen the divide-and-conquer technique for family management where he supplied the income and I kept the house running I was wrong to expect him to pick up the slack on my job simply because he was home.  Now don't get me wrong, he's a great guy whose philosophy is "let's all work until the job is done" but there were plenty of times when he'd come home exhausted from a long day at work and I'd inwardly resent him for not jumping up to take care of something I didn't want to do myself as if I were the only one working.

The honest reality is that our work was different and therefore our work hours were different.  I might have had to get up with the babies in the middle of the night but then I also got long "lunch breaks" in the afternoons when kids were napping or at school.  I might have had to be on the job until all the kids were asleep but then I could often grab quiet minutes here and there when he was still grinding away at the wheel in his office, desperate for a break. The older the kids got the more luxuries I had that he didn't get so to try and compare our jobs and demand that things be equal was completely unrealistic.

So here I am, 40 years old and facing retirement. My career as a mother (and again, I say "intensive mothering" because you're never absolved from your job as a mom) only has a few more years before I need to decide on a second career while he's got another 20 years of providing for the family and doing whatever it takes to keep the money coming while I can look at doing whatever it is my heart desires most. Of course this is all different if you're both responsible for income and the house but according to the way our family divided the labor it was impossible to try to make things completely equal and I wish I'd been less selfish here and there.

And this all just goes to make me wonder what lessons I'll have picked up by the time I'm 70?

My Own Little Mid-Life Crisis

I was talking to a good friend of mine the other day and she said to me, "You know, you hear a lot about being a mom in those toddler years when you have kids.  People give you plenty of advice about how to get through having little kids around but no one ever talks about what to do when your kids are leaving home."

And I completely agree.  I have one more year with our family being all together--where we're all around the dinner table laughing and quoting movies and I have to tell someone to eat their peppers and someone else to use their napkin and someone else to chew with their mouth closed.  I remember thinking that the years where they were in high chairs and I was constantly cutting up their meat or cleaning up spilled milk would last for eternity but in reality I've got more years of life without children than with children.

Do I sound nostalgic?  Maybe even a bit overly sentimental?

I appreciate all the emails and questions and concerns about where I have been lately and I guess the easiest explanation is that I'm going through an enormous midlife crisis.  Not really a crisis where I'm looking for a sports car and a trophy spouse--wouldn't that just shake things up?--just a point where I've been sitting and thinking and wondering what in the world I'm going to do with my life for the next 20 years.

Maybe I'll back up . . . Andrew and I are of a similar temperament where we are driven, focused, goal-oriented, organized, get-things-done-right-now kind of people.  We married at 22, had kids within 2 years, got through law school, paid off the loans, got into a house, pumped out a few more kids and never took our eyes off the goal because that was what responsible people did and it served us well, more or less.  I'm glad we got through school without lingering and I'm glad we had our children young.

But now I've been a mom for over 17 years and I'm facing the hard fact that my intensive mothering days are drawing to a close.  I have one more year of Grace at home and in seven years all the kids will have left.  Even now I drop the kids off at school at eight o'clock then have six more hours of staring at my already clean and organized house wondering, "Okay . . . now what??"

I spent so much time looking ahead and thinking about getting things done and done quickly that I've suddenly been pulled to a stop and feel a bit lost.  All those years when I looked ahead and thought, "Wow, won't it be nice when the kids are older and Andrew and I have lots of time together? Won't that be nice? Won't I be sooooo happy?" Well here I am, my kids in school most of the day and my husband is charging ahead with still another 20 years of productivity and career goals ahead of him and I need to decide how I'm going to fill my time.

I suppose I could go back to school and that has a certain appeal but seriously--I've been to enough school to know that sitting in a classroom and watching a teacher is both expensive and dependent on how good the teacher is. And do I really need another degree so I can prove to everyone else that I'm smart? I could get the same information from our library and the internet if more education is what I really wanted. So what do I want? I haven't a clue.

I could get a job--that's what other women do--but it seems so pointless. It certainly isn't as important as my job as a wife and mother.  There is no job I could find that I would love as much as the job I've had and if I've learned anything after 14 months of unemployment I've learned how little stuff I need to be content so the money isn't a temptation.

I could focus on hobbies: painting, writing, blogging, knitting, whatever.  Okay, sure. But again, I don't need success in a hobby to prove to myself that I'm good at something or that my life has meaning though at least having a job or a hobby would be productive.  I want to be a producer, not merely a consumer.

I could do volunteer work and that has an appeal but it would depend on what kind of volunteering it was.  Hanging out at the kids' school seems pretty pointless--there are already many capable, paid professionals in charge and plenty of extraneous parents hanging around as it is.  If I volunteered somewhere it would have to be something that really helped those who were in need.  The Peace Corps?

So here I sit, wondering what to do and laughing at myself for all those years of hurrying and looking ahead in naivete, thinking that life would just be perfect once I had time to myself.  I have all the time to myself that I could want and now I want something else: goals.  Where are all the books and manuals on how to get through your 40's and 50's?  I've seen millions of books with advice on how to get you through those take-off years of work and school and early parenting but everyone is strangely silent on what to do once you've reached cruising altitude.  I just can't sit back for the next 20 years on auto-pilot.