Monday, October 23, 2006

Oh Your World's Gonna End All Right

All I ask is for five minutes--ten tops--of uninterrupted luxury where I can lock the bathroom door and appreciate the bliss of indoor plumbing via a hot shower.

After the kids are safely deposited at school and Lillian is happily playing, I have my morning bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch (can I ever get enough?) And while I'm on the subject, WHO gave you permission to mess with the recipe Mr. General Mills? My first bowl out of the new box made me wince--was I developing a cold? The stuff tasted like cinnamon-toasted kleenex. I looked at the box and it proudly displayed--as if it was a good thing--"Now with 75% less sugar" Seventy-five percent?? Gosh, why stop there? I'll vouch for the resulting nastiness, if they were opting for less-sugar why didn't they just go cold turkey? I mean who on earth looks to CTC as a make-or-break issue on their sugar intake? I'm deeply disturbed by this infringement of my breakfast rights and will now have to note which kind I'm buying--assuming that the stooges didn't stop producing the good stuff altogether. Pardon my language. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is a special thing to me.

But I digress.

Kids are gone, I've had my beloved cereal, and have made sure Lillian is happily playing while I sneak up to get some Me Time in the shower. In the middle of my lather, rinse repeat sequence comes a *knock, knock, knock*.


"Hab hertiz klawuit gont malrab--"

"I can't hear you! Wait until I'm out of the shower--"

A pause, then "Backra pitol fud mackrow. MOM!!!"

Now I've made it perfectly clear (well perfectly clear on my end) that the Great Rule of Law in the home is Do NOT Bother Mom in The Shower Unless It's An Emergency! E-MER-GEN-CY--i.e. a toilet flooding, blood freely flowing, a fire, a stranger breaking through the door, a nuclear explosion, etc. So though I've been through this dress rehearsal inumerable times (or rather an un-dressed rehearsal) and know that I have better odds of the Publisher's Clearing House Van being on the other side of that door than it being a true emergency I still have that nasty nagging in the back of my mind saying maybe this time--this time--the world really has ended.

So with the rush of the water in my ears, the fan blaring overhead, the child knocking on the door and soap in my eyes I quickly complete the cleansing ritual and throw a towel around me. When I open the door there she is, sitting on the floor reading a book. She looks up and smiles.

"What did you need? I told you not to bother me in the shower unless it is an emergency!"

"Oh," she says non-chalantly, "the movie went off."

The movie went off. Great. Yea, I can see how that would be an emergency.


If you're looking for chuckles instead of listening to my painful shower experiences, check out this link courtesy of Nichtszusagen. Gotta love Star Wars.


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Anonymous said...

So now, rewrite the post replacing certain words with the word "Pants"...Ha!

Lily is 3, I haven't even tried to shower with her home alone. I need a good long shower, so I do it before she gets up or at night when Hubby is home...I won't even go there about being interrupted...I hate it.

Blondie said...

This has made me greatly appreciate the fact that the only thing that comes in the bathroom when I am in the shower is a fat cat who will get angry if he gets wet.

Anonymous said...

75% less sugar! That's nuts! I recommend pouring a cup of syrup into the box.

Anonymous said...

Oooh watch out for that 75% less sugar, it's been replaced by fake sugar. I accidentally bought two boxes. But, thankfully, they still sell the regular full-sugar, too.

I am fortunate to have an older daughter (11) home to intercede in the "emergencies" during mom's showers, like turning the movie back on. Although i can't tell you how often I step out of the shower and hear the muffled sound of screaming in the distance. And, on too many occasions, step out of the bathroom itself to hear "shh, mom's coming" LOL

Anonymous said...

Gosh, a lone shower. I've literally had 3 in the past year. I think it's payback for all those times I sat outside my mom's shower as a teenager talking her ear off.

Sandra said...

Oh that sounds like my son when I am in the shower. He has taken to bringing a stool and sitting in front of the shower stall to chat with me so I can hear him better. Great.

*~*Cece*~* said...

That is too funny, and too true! Our bathroom doesn't have a lock so the kids just BARGE in.

Anonymous said...

Yes, I bought the 75% less sugar CTC from Alex one time. He eats so much junk that I thought it might help. He wouldn't eat it. This is the child that eats baby wipes, but wouldn't touch the cereal. I tried it and I agree - it's nasty. We'll just stick to the regular CTC and force vitamins and a few apples into him.

Anonymous said...

One of our rules is: "You can not go outside while Mom is in the shower." So last weekend, it was suspiciously quiet when I got out of the shower. And I yelled for the GirlChild to figure out where the BoyChild was. Long story short, he went next door. But DAMN! all I wanted to do was take a shower without my heart stopping.

Hen Jen said...


you have this shower problem too? I thought it was only me! My kids will all be busily doing something, peace reigns in the house...I jump in the shower and 10seconds later someone is knocking and trying to talk to me through the door. I ask so little, a few minutes of quiet luxery time in a hot shower, and a few minutes to eat my lunch and read in peace after they have all eaten...It's like some ugly black magic... Funny post, sorry about your cereal problem. Try ghiraleli choc. chips out of the bag and a diet coke, works for me.

Jenny in Ca

Domestic Slackstress said...

How about being interrupted when you're getting intimate with that guy who gave you kids in the first place? Ugh. That happened to us a little too much before we got smart and put a lock on the door. As for the shower, I leave the door cracked so my three little charlattans can come and go freely and listen to me yell back at them for talking to me through the shower curtain at all. I've given up on shower bliss until the move out in 15 years, I hope.

J said...

Ouch. That is truly painful. I need to be alone at least the shower, and on the toilet. Some days, yes, that is clearly too much to ask. Sigh.

Anonymous said...

For a second there I had to check the URL. I thought maybe I was on my own blog. I can so totally relate. Before kids I never really appreciated the act of showering. Now if I can get a whole shower in without having to yell "I can't hear you. Just give me two minutes" I consider that a small miracle.

Anonymous said...

The movie went off?!? Oh, my kids would SOOOO pay for that one!

Anonymous said...

Funny how the littlest things are of dire importance to kids.

Lucky Charms for me!

Anonymous said...

lol ~ I know what you mean about no one disturbing during "the shower". Praise the almighty "hot shower"!

Jeana said...

This could have gone worse. Have you read about me locking myself in the bathroom?

Stomper Girl said...

Oh I'm with you on the locked shower door! But I have my shower while my partner is in the house to make sure I don't cop any of that "the movie is off" crap!
PS Hope your cruise is great fun, very good story!

Amy said...

Gosh, this sounds just like our house. We have TiVo emergencies, where the television kicks off my son's show in favor of The Colbert Report. Amazing how convenient the timing of it all- you would think it was an emergency :)