Sunday, February 28, 2010

Why Don't I Just Give in and Drink Bacon Juice?

Eggs BenedictWhat if--just hypothetically--you were sitting in church one Sunday afternoon and trying to listen to the sermon but suddenly and irrationally the word "hollandaise" popped into your mind?

And then--stick with me here--you kind of fixated on that particular word to the point that you really didn't pay attention to the rest of the talk because you were fantasizing about asparagus covered in hollandaise sauce and remembering how you had a bunch of asparagus in your refrigerator and vowing that the moment you got out of church you were going to whip up some hollandaise bliss and cover yourself in it?

Just hypothetically of course. How bad would that be on a scale from one to ten? Because I'm rather ashamed of myself.

Asparagus with Hollandaise SauceI was so rabid to have some hollandaise that I went home and did just that--well except the part about covering myself. I did refrain on that point but I made myself a plate of asparagus and ate the whole entire thing. Much to the relief of my children and husband.

I'm not sure why the craving hit so hard but it was all I could do not to pour it all into a glass and drink it down right there, which, as we all know, is about the worst thing one can possible do to one's body. I think reports say it's healthier to drink lye or gasoline than all that butter and egg delight.

Have you seen pictures of cholesterol coating the insides of people's arteries? Or pictures of liposuctioned fat, jiggling in a jar? Because it pretty much looks exactly like hollandaise. I could have melted down a one-pound bar of chocolate, inserted a straw and started slurping away and it wouldn't have been so depraved.

But the best news was that I had enough sauce left over that I did what I've never done before. I fixed myself eggs benedict the next morning. I've only had them one other time and it was when my mother and I were visiting Seattle together and were staying at the Woodmark Hotel. The view of Lake Washington out of the window and the gorgeous spring weather turned my head and I ordered something I'd never eaten before and loved it. Poached eggs on a bed of toast with slivers of lox and all covered with beautiful, glorious hollandaise.

I'm not sure how eggs benedict got its name but I'm quite sure it's either because you're a traitor for eating such an myocardial abomination or that you need a blessing from the pope to overcome such a gastronomical sin.

But to return to my story, the kids had all gone to school, I'd done my morning chores and the sun was streaming through the front window as I poached the eggs and laid them over my long square of toasted homemade bread. I didn't have salmon or the traditional ham but used smoked turkey and poured the liquid sunshine over the top before closing my eyes as I took the first bite. When it was all gone I did something I never do. I looked at the plate and thought, "I'm alone--no one is looking. . . ." and quickly picked up the plate and did a quick lick.

Which is about the time the doorbell rang. I jumped and nearly dropped the plate as I turned and saw through the full-length glass of our front door my sister standing there. Completely true.

But if you haven't made homemade hollandaise sauce for yourself you're missing out. Don't let me catch you buying one of those dry mix packets, just give the real thing a try. It goes together in five minutes but the happiness and calories will linger with you for days. . . .

3 egg yolks
1 tablespoon water
1 tablespoon lemon juice
1/2 cup butter, cut into tablespoons and at room temperature
freshly ground black pepper

In a small sauce pan whisk the egg yolks with the water and lemon juice. Then, in another bigger and deeper pan bring some water to a boil and hold the bottom of the saucepan in the boiling water. Drop one tablespoon of butter in at a time into the egg mixture, whisking it in to combine in then adding another tablespoon. You'll see it start to thicken very quickly and you can continue adding the butter until it's all incorporated. Stir it well to keep it smooth then top it with cracked pepper or paprika for color.

You will never be the same, I promise you.

Sponsored by Polkadot Peacock for children's bedding.


Unknown said...

One of your funnier posts in a while. If you really want to enjoy the taste of bacon without the calories try bacon lip balm, I purchased one for each of the menfolk in my family for Christmas.

Anonymous said...

We all love Hollandaise around here.It's one way I know that they will eat those veges! If I don't stop her, our 5 year old will eat it out of the bowl with a spoon. Using the same ingredients, I make it in the blender. Super easy. Just blend everything except the butter in the blender until thick and light-colored. Melt the butter until hot, then, while the blender is running, slowly drizzle the hot melted butter into the egg yolk mixture. Thanks for such a great story! You're not the only one having food daydreams during church! Kelly

Not From Lapland said...

sounds yum. i've been guilty of that plate licking myself before now.

I can't find my blog said...

Sounds divine!

You're lucky it was just your sister!

Pam D said...

Oh no. You must not do this to me. My boy JUST yesterday started making food connections; spent an hour at the grocery reading food labels and an hour online researching fast food. He has gone from junk food junkie to health nut overnight, and I actually have hope of maybe losing some weight now. So this is TOTALLY unfair! (Laurie... bacon lip balm? Really? I can't decide whether to clap or throw up!) And yes, Murphy's law seems to always kick in just as you start to lick the plate or drink out of the carton of juice in the fridge, not that I've ever been guilty of those eggregious transgressions. :<) WOnderful post!

threesidesofcrazy said...

YUMMY & DELICIOUS - need I say more? I think not. :)

The Texas Bakers said...

I am not a big fan of Hollandaise, but your description of your craving and subsequent deprivation made me LOL. What did your sister say?

Anonymous said...

OHHHHH! I just had Eggs Benedict this morning. There is absolutely nothing like it. Mmmmm. The thought would keep me occupied in church also, (but I ate them BEFORE church!!!)

Jolanthe said...

I'm so with you on the hollandaise sauce and love making it from scratch. Sadly I've gotten a few of my kiddos hooked on it and have to make it for others and can't keep it all to myself.

And I too have licked a plate to get the rest of the hollandaise sauce.

Just sayin'.

MRMacrum said...

I knew there was a reason I stayed away. Of all the gastronomical delights one could write about, you pick hollandaise sauce. I could almost handle it with the asparagus ( though this veggie is so much one of my favorites I spent many hours building a bed to grow them). I should have stopped there. But no. I continued reading and the ultimate breakfast treat emerged - Eggs Benedict. I'm heading for the Lakeside Cafe when I finish this.

Great Post.

LuckyFindFabrics said...

There are so many yummy things you can do with Eggs Benedict. My favorite comes from a coffeehouse an hour away from home, but I've been known to drive that hour when they have this dish on the menu.

English Muffin (toasted)
Canadian Bacon
Fresh baby spinach
Slice of fresh tomato (hard part is finding a decent tomato when the spinach is in season)
Poached egg


Linda said...

So... in our house, my Husband's Mom has taught our children that it's a sign of appreciation for a good meal to lick their plates. My husband does it after a particularly good meal, and Margaret, our 4 year old, usually licks her plate after anything having to do with homemade raspberry syrup. I only lick my plate in the pantry where there are no windows that people can see through. And usually after something divine that I shouldn't be eating because just thinking about it makes me gain 30 lbs.! And now... I'm craving Hollandaise.

And by the way... Where do they come up with these crazy "words" for verification? I've yet to find one in a dictionary...

Unknown said...

with a craving that powerful, you may want to invest in a pregnancy test :)

Judi said...

Oh sounds yummy! I have asparagus in my fridge right now.

I read through some of your e-book and enjoyed it! I have a lot to learn and more to read from it. Thank you for making it available.

After a few weeks working on my own blog I decided to change gears a bit and be more focused. We'll see how it goes.

Flea said...

Mmmm! Bacon. I haven't made hollandaise in awhile. Usually in the spring when the asparagus is in season ... hmm ...

Lotus (Sarcastic Mom) said...

I kept the hope alive through the whole post that you'd end the piece with a photo of you covered in hollandaise sauce.

Ohhhh, the disappointments. It's a good thing you write so well and are so silly. :)


Jenn said...

This post made my night. Hilarious

Jessie Weaver said...

I had a scholarship in college that provided me with half tuition, yes, but MORE importantly, brunch once a year at the Jefferson Hotel in Richmond, VA. They have the most amazing eggs benedict ever and nothing I've eaten along the same vein can even come close to being comparable.

I'm drooling. And maybe licking that asparagus picture.

Lisa said...

I love hollandaise! I always order Eggs Benedict at restaurants, but have never made it at home for fear of becoming an addict.