Entropy at Work

This house is falling apart faster than usual lately. I seem to be single-handedly supporting the plumbers, electricians, and handymen of America. Here's my Fix-it List--I'm hoping to work our way through before we paid off the mortgage. Hoping . . . anything broken at your house? Tell me I'm not alone.

10. The motion detectors and lights in front of the garage don't work. Yes motion detectors are cool but they're beyond my electronic capabilities to fix and now that it's actually dark at night (yes, it really does stay light all night long in the summer it's not just a great ad campaign) I could use some outdoor lighting.

9. The kids' bathroom fan doesn't work, it makes this horrible sound when you flip the switch--king of like Tickle Me Elmo caught in a Cuisinart--but fans not at all.

8. The boys' and girls' bedroom closets won't stay on their tracks, have been fixed multiple times, and are difficult to close. Just as well, it makes it harder for boogey men to hide there when they're always open.

7. Two tiles in the shower stall are chipped I'm really hoping that nothing is leaking behind the wall or something equally insidious. I ought to put the keyboard down and go re-tile my bathroom like those superwomen I know (ahem Lisa). Yea, I should. . .

6. The freezing and thawing cycles we get here, or maybe it's permafrost I'm no geotech whiz, have created low spots in our back yard. It looks flat but when I'm happily (or not so happily) mowing along out of nowhere I'll fall into one of these pits and *plop* the mower disappears up to the bag. Not so fun, but filling in and reseeding isn't so fun either.

5. The downstairs toilet clogs frequently. This is probably the least fun item on my list because there is nothing fun about a clogged toilet. Nothing.

4. Which brings me to number four. The upstairs toilet flushes weakly (if it flushes at all) and sometimes runs and runs and runs . . . I guess I could think of it as white noise or background music if I was trying to be positive.

3. The latches on the gate break every winter because of the freezing and thawing, the upward force of the frozen ground rips the gate from it's hinges. Just brutal. We've never been able to keep latches on them for a whole year. The solution? Don't latch the gate in the winter you say? Not a good idea unless you're okay with a moose wandering into your backyard, climbing onto your deck in the dark of night, then banging its antlers on your sliding glass door until you wake up and think someone's breaking into your house. True story. Nearly scared us to death. We turned on the back porch light and there was this enormous bull moose head staring at us. AAHH! So latch that gate for heaven's sake.

2. The largest--and therefore my most used--burner on my ceramic stove top won't turn on though the little red light warning of a hot surface is lit continually. It's been repaired twice.

1. There is air in the heating pipes upstairs. This means every time we turn on the heat upstairs twenty seconds later there is a giant "WHOOSH!" lasting half a minute as hot water rushes into the pipes, setting quite the romantic mood. Kind of the parting of the Red Sea ambiance, very classy.

I should probably this up with a list of reasons why I'm glad I have a house. Count those blessings right? With all it's imperfections I do love it so and plan to stay here forever. Just bury me out in the backyard--in one of those low spots.

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