Saturday, November 18, 2006

Happy Feet Ain't so Happy

How can I describe the experience accurately? Andrew and I took my 7 year-old son David to see Happy Feet tonight and I would have had more fun clipping my fingernails with a Cuisinart than sitting through that excruciating 90-minute experience. Harsh? You be the judge, read on:

I don't ask for much in my movies but the only way you'd enjoy this movie is if you have felt an insatiable curiosity for any of the following:

1. "What if you took March of the Penguins and added line dancing and really bad Scottish accents?"

2. "What if Robin Williams and Barry White mated?"

3. "What would Marilyn Monroe sound like on helium? And could Nicole Kidman sustain that kind of breathy annoyance for an entire movie?"

4. "Why aren't there more penguins doing Elvis impersonations?"

5. And the follow-up "Why hasn't Hugh Jackman done more Elvis impersonations?

6. "Why aren't there more diminutive characters for Elijah Wood to play? Hobbits/penguins, they're all good."

7. "What does a $10 nap feel like?"

8. "Why don't more cartoons cater to the sexually provocative? Where can I take my children to see some good old-fashioned sensuality?"

9. "Why can't Hollywood let me know what they really think about things like organized religion and the environment? I really wish I knew where they stood on those issues."

10. "Why can't there be more cartoons with political agendas? I mean The Little Mermaid is nothing but catchy songs and entertaining animation, I want ISSUES dang it!"

Okay okay I know this is harsh and I don't care for people who make a living from ripping things apart. Criticism isn't the way to a better world but one gets crabby when one pays $18.50 for such poor cinema and you need to be warned blogosphere. Run from this movie like it's the IRS with bubonic plague.

In short it was poorly written, the voices were irritating, the songs and dancing was awkward, the Barry White narrative done by Robin Williams was bizarre, the references to mating season and one character's multiple partners was uncomfortably sexual, it was boring and--last but certainly not least--the plot was nothing but an environmentalist diatribe voiced in monotone by Elijah Wood.

Only two things that kept me from running screaming from the building:

1. I kept awake thinking about all the ways it was worth a blog post.

2. They showed the trailer for Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, set to come out in July 2007. That was worth the price of admission alone.

34 comments:

Reel Fanatic said...

That was the funniest review I've read in a long time .. thanks for the warning!

Anonymous said...

Thanks for the warning -- we will stay far, far away!

BTW, I cannot wait for the Harry Potter movie to come out, or the final book for that matter!

Mo Mommy said...

Thing 1 has been asking to go see this for a few dyas now. We don't usually go to the movies for rea$on$ you've mentioned, but I thought I could make an exception if he really wanted it....
Thank You
Thank You
Thank You
for saving me in advance!

Mo Mommy said...

P.S. It's a beautiful sunny day here, though it's rained off and on all week. And everytime it rains I think..."At least it's not snow!!!" Ha Ha
I'm wearing my AK shirt today, in honor of my frozen pals back home ;)

Damselfly said...

Barry White and Robin Williams mating ... now I need something to cleanse the palate of my mind, thanks! ;)

Julie said...

I don't know...I'll take a nap any way I can get it. But the IRS with bubonic plague does sound a bit scary.

Sarakastic said...

I consider myself warned.

Annie said...

What a wonderful POST!!! I suspected this was not a movie I wanted to spend money on and you have confirmed it. And what a good writer you are. I swere you can and you will write a book someday! Have you read "If You Lived Here I Would Know Your Name" by Heather Lende? (If I've asked you this before, I apologize. When we get older we tend to forget stuff LOL) Anyway -- her book kept me up all night -- I couldn't put it down! And your writing has the same affect on me. Oh! I HAVE told you this before! You said only your Mom tells you this, too. Well -- when you can take the experience of a really stupid movie and turn it into something interesting -- you are a good writer. Listen to your Mother! :-) (p.s. my word verification today on here is VRTVR which I see as "Very Right Thinking, Very Right" LOL

J said...

Thanks for the warning!

Jerusalem...yes that's my real name said...

We didn't see Cars for the same types of reasons. As my husband said: "Do you really want Larry the Cable Guy to teach your 6 year old the fine are of sexual innuendo's ?" Look's like this one is along the same lines.
Thanks for the heads-up!

Waya said...

Oh NO! I can't believe it's that horrible! My 6 y/o has been looking forward to seeing this movie with me, but I guess I'll let the hubbie take him instead, and matinee of course, it's cheaper. And he can bring his iPod with him.

Chilihead2 said...

OMG, thanks for the warning! And I don't think I've ever read a more hilarious criticism in my life. Feel free to criticize me anytime. ;)

Pass the Torch said...

Whew! That was close! I just came home from Flushed Away, but we almost saw Happy Feet instead. Glad we shose what we did;)

But I would have enjoyed the HP trailer;)

Anonymous said...

one of the most entertaining movie reviews I have read in a long time!
Thanks for the heads up.
HP is coming in July?
Whoo-hoo!
Thanks for stopping by my blog today

Karianna said...

Ohhh. I can get behind the Harry Potter trailer, indeed. But thanks for the tip to skip those NoSoHappyFeet.

Inkling said...

My husband will thank you for the review. He's itching to see James Bond, but was willing to take me to see a cartoon that looked cute. Now, I can just send him to see a guy flick with one of his buddies, and can stay home and read a book. Very entertaining review.

kailani said...

I was really looking forward to taking Girlie Girl to this movie. Maybe we'll wait till it comes out on DVD!

Ava said...

You are so hilarious! And you're right Robbin Williams is sooo annoying.

I think the pre-WWII bugs bunny has the political agenda you might be looking for...:)

Anonymous said...

Thanks for the warning. My 8 year old wants to see this. We usually check with unplugged from Focus on the Family before we take the kids to something we haven't seen. Don't always agree with them but it is a good start. FYI! I am sure your review is much more entertaingin than theirs though!

Anonymous said...

Wow. Sounds HORRIBLE. Great review, though. Hysterically funny, as per your usual.

Penny said...

7. "What does a $10 nap feel like?"

ROLF!!!

I bet it was a dreamworks flick. They all suck like that.

What is with kids movies nowadays.. it's all whining, banal conflict and annoyingly argumentative, plotless and feeble.. I can't stand most of them.

Stomper Girl said...

Yikes! I saw a trailer for Happy Feet with the cute tap-dancing penguin and was hoping it would be great and encourage thousands of students to besiege my school saying teach me to tap like the cute penguins.
Does this mean its not going to happen??

I hate Nicole Kidman. Especially when she does breathy.

DK said...

But seriously, tell me how you really feel! Thanks for the heads up on this one. I'm always leery of "over exposed" anything Hollywood churns out - and I'm a screenwriter! Just dropped by to welcome you to the TTer's. Happy Thanksgiving and stop by my blog whenever you're in the neighboorhood!
DK
http://aflyoverblog.typepad.com

tracy m said...

Michelle- Thank you for the heads up- my kids want to see it, and now I have a good reason to say "no".

Well, I was gonna say "no" anyway, but I can blame you! Bwa-hahahaha!

Anonymous said...

Ha! Well thanks for the warning. We were actually considering taking Sam to see this because he always runs up to the cardboard cut outs of the penguins that are promoting this movie EVERYWHERE. Now I know better.

Karen said...

I'll just have to be terribly unoriginal and say, like the others, thank you for saving me from wasting any money on this movie!

Anonymous said...

Yuck! Thanks for letting us know so that we didn't take our son to that. I would have been really mad if we spent that kind of money to watch a show like that. Blech!

Anonymous said...

My mom and dad actually took our kids to see this over the weekend!! She said it wasn't horrible, but it also wasn't the best. She said my three year old got very bored with it. She also said that it definitely had a political agenda.

HMTKSteve said...

I agree. I took my daughter and wife to see it and was amazed by the "bait-and-switch" tactics used on this movie. I went in expecting a fun kid movie about being different... What I got was something completely different.
Like you, I also stayed just so I could blog about it!

Anonymous said...

Could the subtext of the movie be more obvious? The obvious agendas of this movie cannot be disguised... all the "bad" characters have Northern European accents and are male... blue-eyed penguin protagonist is obviously different/gay... still, cuckolded by a penguin with a "black" accent... almost all "good" characters have ethnic accents and are female and/or young... just another "victim" film, a Hollywood formula that does work for particular audiences. Still, just an incredibly obvious and embarrassing plot. Terrific animation, I will give it that.

TXgrandma said...

My beautiful four year old grand daughter and I thoroughly enjoyed "Happy Feet" together. The graphics were fantastic. The music was great, and the dialogue was funny.

We had looked forward to it for months, singing with the trailers on my computer. It was not a disappointment. She loved it as much as I did.

If there were some underying agenda, it was not obvious. It wasn't scary at all, even for a four year old. As for the sexual inuendo, You must have been mortified by "Lady and the Tramp".

Lighten up a little and get some fun out of life.

eve said...

And now it's won an Oscar. I'm so sick of Hollywood shoving their agendas in movies. It's so trendy. There really aren;t many free thinkers in Lala land.

Tracey said...

Boy do I wish I had seen this before I bought the DVD! What a waste! I totally agree with your review... and would like to add that I have dubbed this movie... "Crappy-feet".

Short Film Review said...

Good review, thanks! :)