Thursday, August 23, 2007

Places to Drop Bear Grylls

Bear Grylls in Man vs. WildAndrew and I were at dinner with some friends who introduced us to a Discovery Channel favorite: Man vs. Wild where one can see the manliest hero since Jack Bauer: Bear Grylls. What can you say about a man with a name like that? I think I'll just quote from his info page at the Discovery Channel:

Bear served three years with a special forces unit of the British army where he broke his back in three places parachuting over Southern Africa. Bear went on to become the youngest British climber to complete a summit and descent of Mount Everest and wrote about his experience in the book, The Kid Who Climbed Everest. Bear and his Everest climbing group circumnavigated the United Kingdom on jet skis. He also led the first unassisted crossing of the frozen North Atlantic in an open rigid inflatable boat. His book about this adventure, Facing the Frozen Ocean, was shortlisted as the U.K.'s "Sports Book of the Year." Bear broke a world record by hosting a dinner party at a table suspended below a hot air balloon at 24,500 feet. He rappelled from the balloon's basket to the table, where in full naval uniform he ate a three-course meal before saluting the queen and skydiving to earth. In May 15, 2007, Bear set another world record when he became the first person to fly over Mount Everest by powered paraglider.

So basically, this is the guy James Bond pretends to be when he wants to feel cool. Bear Grylls has got a show where he gets dumped in various locales around the earth and has five days to find his way back to civilization with only the aid of a knife, a flint and a bottle of spaghetti sauce. Kind of a MacGuyer-meets-Survivor thing.

So with our awe over the absolute manliness of this modern super hero, the dinner table conversation last week turned to places we'd like to see Bear Grylls dumped.

1. The middle of the Bering Sea. This shouldn't be too hard for someone who's crossed the frozen North Atlantic. I'd even let him try it in summer--it's not as if the water is much warmer then anyway. All he'd have to do to power his boat is hang his legs off the back and kick, he's that manly. I dare any shark to even attempt to eat him.

2. The middle of the Sahara. It's probably been done but why not? Burning sand, angry Arabs, no water or food--that makes for some prime-time excitement. He'd probably figure out a way to drill for water using only his bare hands, some chewing gum and the zipper pulls from his cargo pants.

3. Washington D.C. But this one, this one I don't know about. Have you ever tried to find your way around Arlington, Virginia? I think the city is made so confusing as a help to the Secret Service--they figure if everyone gets lost then the terrorists have that much less chance of a successful attack. I don't know if even Bear Grylls could navigate his way through that twisted, mismarked (or unmarked) maze of streets. Not in five days. He'd die for sure.

4. Antarctica. I'd like to see him in the middle of a giant penguin huddle, shuffling and moving around to keep warm. But I don't know that the world is ready to see him warding off starvation by making a penguin-egg omelet. Not after the cute-and-fluffy March of the Penguins, it just wouldn't fly.

5. Our neighbor's garage. I guarantee this is the spot on earth most likely to stump Mr. Grylls. Everest, the North Atlantic, nowhere could there be a more dangerous and inhospitable spot than this. I've seen it and I know. Piled to the ceiling with boxes and junk, every corner stuffed with toys and debris, drop him there and he'd never find his way out alive--though there may be plenty of life forms hidden in the corners for him to subsist on for five days.

6. L.A. traffic. Forget making it through the Amazonian rain forests, put this guy in the middle of the Ventura Freeway at rush hour and he's not going anywhere. And not only would he starve to death but he'd also run out of gas.

7. Bear-infested country. With a name like Bear it's only natural that he go up against the world's largest land carnivore: the polar bear. Or even worse, because they have trees to hide behind, the Kodiak brown bear. That would be something pretty amazing, to see Bear Grylls dumped in the middle of Bear Country, and I don't mean Disneyland. Could he make it five days and not get eaten? I certainly hope so, and I'd make sure to Tivo that one.

8. Any mall in America, the day after Thanksgiving.
The ultimate in survival. If any man could make it through, Bear's the one.

9. A busy airport. There have been times at the airport that I've worried that I'd be trapped for five days, shuffling through security and ticketing lines until I'm ready to drop dead with exhaustion. And they don't even feed you on the planes anymore, so Bear's skills at scavenging food such as grubs and sheep eyeballs would come in handy. As a final climax he could make it to the plane and then have to sit on the runway for an extra day with some mind-numbing delay just to see how he'd handle the strain of sitting next to an extra- large man schlopping over into his seat.

10. The moon. This might be a bit tougher, especially with the five-day time limit but if the guys on Apollo 13 could do it, so could Bear Grylls. He probably wouldn't even need oxygen, he'd be able to scavenger his own somewhere along the way. "If I just collect these moonstones and compress them like so it forces the pockets of oxygen hidden within them to rise to the surface. It isn't perfect but it's just enough to get me back to earth."

11. Gilligan's Island. That's the way to get those people off the island. Drop Bear Grylls in for a visit, he'd have them off and back to the mainland by the first commercial break.

12. Wherever the latest Survivor edition is being held. Likewise, he could teach the goofballs on this show what real survival is. Maybe ABC should consider parachuting him into the next episode of Lost and for no extra fee he could rescue those people too . . .

13. The Middle East. If the U.S. Government were smart, they'd drop Bear Grylls into an undisclosed location in Pakistan and not only would he make it out alive and healthy, he'd bring back Osama with him. He's that cool.

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44 comments:

tamara cosby said...

You MUST check out SURVIORMAN! Les Stroud...he is awesome!!! http://cosbyfamily.wordpress.com/2007/08/19/our-new-favorite/

We love him! :)

oh amanda said...

LOL@ parachuting him into LOST! ;)

Lori said...

Did you forward this info to the network??? lol...Happy TT.

Stephanie said...

That sounds like our kind of show. (if we had cable that is) Great list as always.

Melissa Garrett said...

hubba hubba ;-)

Loralee Choate said...

My husband prefers Survivorman, but I'm sorry, Bear is my boyfriend and I heart him. Especially when he's doing push ups on an icy tundra in flagrante delicto.

crazy working mom said...

Too funny! It really is a good show. Check out You Tube for some great clips...he eats animal poop and pees on his shirt to wrap around his head in the desert to keep cool! *LOL*

FRIGGA said...

Dude that was an awesome list! I love that show, but you're done on with your list too! :P

Happy TT13 - mines up at http://anyapples.blogspot.com/

Robin said...

We don't get the show here, but I'm betting he's the kind of kid that gave his mother heart failure (and a LOT of grey hair!) by age 7!

J Fife said...

I love this show, but there are claims that the show isn't truthful about the situations that he's actually in or about his abilities:

Grylls roughed it in hotels

Don't know if the claims are true. I still like the show, and I'm certain that LA traffic can break anyone.

Corrie said...

I do like Bear and Survivorman, but I'd much prefer to watch Brad Pitt as a real-life MacGyver

Don't you have to take your shirt off to survive? or something?

Calamity Jane said...

I am just wondering if he could survive my house trying to find my kids sunday shoes 5 minutes before church starts. It is pretty scary here.

Thomma Lyn said...

LMAO -- this is one of the funniest T13s I've read -- *snork*!!!!

Happy TT to you, and thanks for the explosive giggles!

Damozel said...

This guy is new to me. Thanks for telling me about him---I've never even heard of this or Survivorman.

Erica Douglas said...

If I was fourteen Bear would be my pin up, in fact, I shouldn't let age get in the way of a good pin up :)

Heffalump said...

I think you should have him dropped into a daycare of hungry children...he would never make it.

Darla said...

LOL! I love it!

D.C. made me nod in agreement--a couple of friends and I got lost there once.

A mall the day after Thanksgiving made me laugh aloud.

and then I got to Gilligan's Island and just lost it.

Fun, fun list.

Edward Foster said...

That show sucks, and is fake.

It's for entertainment purposes only, there is no real life Macgyver.

Ed

girlymama said...

is that his real name?

parents didn't leave him much choice for a career path. could you imagine your ob/gyn being named "Bear"?

Ingrid said...

There have been claims that things on the show are not as rugged as they seem, and that Bear has stayed on hotels or pretended to build a raft that a crew has previously put together. Reality TV not so real? Shocker!

http://www.kxmc.com/getArticle.asp?ArticleId=146241

Anonymous said...

This reminds me of a friendly debate my friends and I had a few years ago: Crocodile Hunter or Jeff Corwin?

I prefer Survivorman to Man vs. Wild. Bear is a little too much of a spaz for me. As the mother of 3 boys I also watch him and think "what must he have been like as a child!"

Amy W said...

I especially like putting a man in the mall after Thanksgiving...

Prahagirl said...

I will have to add it to Tivo and check it out! I've heard that the new Survivor is being done in China. I've never been a big Survivor fan, but I'm intriguied (that spelling just doesn't look right?!) by China--very different location from the last few seasons.

lol @ parachuting into LOST and Gilligan's Island :) haha!

SusieJ said...

I have never heard of this guy -- so I'm glad I stopped by to learn about him. My boys will love him -- I'll have to find out what time, etc. Love it.

Kendra said...

man vs. wild totally rocks! it's one of our fav's too! however, we don't like survivorman quite as much! i like the TT list... those are some good ideas! happy TT michele!

Amber said...

Your neighbor's garage. Bhahahahaahahahaha!

Stie: My Favorite Things said...

I, too, prefer Survivorman to Bear. I heard Bear has stayed in hotels while he's supposedly "on location" and has a whole crew feeding him. Les Stroud is out there manning five cameras himself with NO food, NO water, nothing. Watch Survivorman. You'll love Bear no more.

Rebecca said...

Jeff and I were all about this show... until we learned it was fake :(

Ok, I guess it's still not all fake... but knowing that even some of it is fake loses its appeal.

Mary@notbefore7 said...

I have never seen the show...perhaps I should check it out. I find little time for TV since blogging began :)

BUT, I'd watch any man try to survive the malls on Black Friday! oh yes...the mayhem!

Mercy's Maid said...

He's the updated-reality-tv version of MacGuyver, isn't he?

Susan said...

Ha! Love #6! I'm all too familiar with it, and you wouldn't believe the people who run out of gas on the freeway!

Janice said...

Totally love this guy! I have a hard time holding back my admiration because I watch with my ever lovin' hunk of a man, and I don't really want all of the insecurities that are bound to surface if he truly knew just how much...!

Daisy said...

LA Freeway? Washington DC? Brilliant. I always want to drop the Survivor competitors into middle school teaching jobs and watch them begging to be voted off!

luckyzmom said...

Saw him on some talk show a couple of months ago. He is pretty amazing.

Mama's Moon said...

I've seen this guy, and am in absolute AWE of his skill and creativity in surviving. Makes me want to take notes for those just-in-case situations - say, being stuck on an isolated island and having to make my own kayak, and all.

The Ventura freeway scenario, yeah, I think that would be the ultimate challenge for this hottie! (Would it count if I came in to save him?)

Shalee said...

Oh I have a place he might not survive... A home full of whiny, snotty-nosed tired kids on a very rainy week. I'd like to see him tackle that one! He'd probably roll over and beg for mercy.

Then we moms could come in and show him a thing or two about survival...

Lei said...

Lol! THat is quite the table talk! Is his show anything like Survivorman? We like that one...

Babystepper said...

14. Our Church nursery on Mother's Day Morning. I defy any man to come out of that alive and sane.

Judy Callarman said...

As always, a great list--very interesting! I'll watch that sometime soon.

so grateful to be Mormon! said...

hi michelle: thank you for making me laugh my guts out over this hilarious post you wrote. my endorphins are smiley happy over this laughter release.

i love it when you write like this. you're a riot, kathleen

ps. neat to get to visit with you tonight.

ps. reminder, read my conversion post, written 21apr (also link on my right sidebar). i truly am SO grateful to be mormon!

Damselfly said...

Your neighbor's garage, ha!

Laurie said...

Yes, Survivorman definitely has more cahones than Bear. Les Stroud does all of that stuff AND lugs 50lbs of camera equipment around with him. He's totally alone, has to survive AND has to film it all himself. We watch both but definitely have more respect for Les. ;)

Laurie said...

And Les *has* done the Arctic. ;)

The Preacher's Wife said...

Have seen a few people mention Survivorman - In the words of my boys, "He's a stinkin' sissy next to Bear!"

My favorite episode is when he drank the juice off of elephant dung...oh, yeah...great stuff