Everything I Need to Know I Learned from Motherhood

Forget kindergarten, everything I really needed to know came from being a mother. I ought to offer a home study program: Motherhood 101.

1. Human beings can be happy with only three things: a story, a blanket and a bowl of cold cereal.

2. The answer to "What were you thinking?" is "I wasn't."

3. Sleep is for sissies.

4. Never go grocery shopping hungry.

5. Having your child load the dishwasher, though beneficial for their growth, will always end up costing you money.

6. The word "done" has different meanings to someone before and after the age of 20.

7. Everything is better with either peanut butter or ketchup.

8. Husbands are simple creatures. Plenty of kisses, plenty of food and they're good to go.

9. It will always be easier to do it yourself. Always. Though not always better.

10. Potty training is the worst job on the planet. I'd go through childbirth again if I could avoid this step in child rearing.

11. Dating is more important the longer you are married.

12. Your likelihood of acquiring chicken pox, the flu or Plague rises exponentially with the occurrence of a vacation or other important family event.

13. Always check pockets before doing the wash. The time you forget will be the time someone's packing orange crayons and silly putty.

14. If it can be broken, it will break. Including but not limited to VCRs, garbage disposals, arms and garage doors.

15. No one has children for the tax benefits.

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