Thursday, May 14, 2009

Things I Will Never Wear

Diane Von Furstenberg's Harem PantsOkay I've seen fashion columns all over the place of what to wear and while those are very helpful I think it might be easier to be chic if I can eliminate a few things that I absolutely, positively will not wear under any circumstances.

And I'm really hoping that none of you out there are lounging around in one of these atrocities because really, they're pretty bad though I'm guessing that most are not only ugly but expensive and ugly so the risk is fairly minimal that I'll offend one of you with my rantings.

1. Harem Pants
Starting the list off with a bang (as in "SHOOT ME QUICK!") is Diane Von Furstenberg (yes, this is a designer creation if you can believe it) with her "harem pants."

And good news ladies! It can also be worn as an extremely ugly dress! Two times the ugly for the price of one. I can't imagine how freakish that dress would feel as you walked or sat while wearing it. Like you were wearing a big old fat diaper or something. In silk.

Proof that Ms. Furstenberg is working as an Al Quaida operative, trying to bring down the U.S. from the inside out.

Five Finger Shoes2. Five Toed Shoes
I'm sorry Babystepper, but of all the things I've ever seen for my feet these have got to be the craziest. And not in a crazy good way.

I can only imagine how weird it would feel to have each one of my digits encased in kevlar-esque armor and it makes me shiver.

I've never confessed this out loud but one of the things that absolutely drives me up the wall is having things between my toes. I haven't worn a pair of flip flops since I was about ten years old because I hate the feeling so much.

Upon reflection, I can only describe it as a wedgie for your toes and this shoe my friends, takes the episode to the level of Supreme Horror.

Besides--the first thing that comes to mind when I see these nasties is "hobbits." Just slap a bunch of fake fur on the top and it's "Mr. Frodo! Mr. Frodo!" all day long.

Blue Tooth Headset3. A Bluetooth
Don't let the picture fool you--in general people who wear Bluetooths outside of the privacy of their own hands-free office environment are not this attractive. Not at all.

And don't let his partner's smile fool you either because right now she's thinking, "That jerk. He's been talking with Joe about the game for ten minutes and if he doesn't turn off that stupid thing right now and have dinner with me I'm going to take this fork and give him a cochlear implant."

In fact, while contemplating a man walking through the grocery store talking and gesturing wildly to some unseen person I had the distinct thought come to me that it used to be that people like him were pitied as Tourette Syndrome victims. Nowadays they're just people who want others to think that they're so darn important that they can't afford to miss one single minute away from communication with other Very Important People.

Either that or they're in cahoots with the Borg.

"Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated."

Fanny Hat4. Fanny packs or fanny hats
I thought that fanny packs were kind of like polio--where there had been such a concerted effort to eradicate their evil influence that they'd pretty much been wiped clean from the face of the earth and we were now safe.

Oh how wrong I was.

Patriotic DressJust as viruses often mutant into new and more virulent strains of poison fanny packs have morphed into fanny hats, breathing new life into the phrase "butt head."

I need not say more. I think you understand the dangers here.

5. Patriotic attire
I have a general aversion to dressing for holidays in general. Christmas sweaters and green for St. Patrick's Day aren't my thing but bring out the stars and stripes and it goes from fashion faux pas to a full-on abomination.

Something about commercializing the flag doesn't sit well with me and then unless you're talking a jaunty nautical look (very sporty and chic right now) women should generally avoid wearing red, white and blue together anyway. It's just not a pretty sight--particularly for prom.

Espadrille Boots6. Espadrille boots
In general I'm comfortable with cross-over chic. It's kind of like fusion cuisine and can be very exciting.

I myself have a pair of Mary Jane wingtip pumps that are just adorable but something about the shoe industry takes this principle to exhausting lengths.

Are they boots? Are they sandals? Are they regulation Storm Trooper gear? Come on people--say it with me, "Ug-lee!"

Because every woman wants a boot that will allow sand to get between her toes (again with the stuff-between-my-toes-thing!)

Just because you can make something into a boot doesn't mean you should. To me the whole thing exemplifies the need for regulation in genetic engineering. To prevent horror stories like this from slipping into our foot wear gene pool.

7. Anything with Old Navy or Gap on It
Generally I like shopping at Gap and Old Navy--you can get great deals there and I'm a fan of Gap jeans--but I have an issue with the way the company slaps their big fat old name on so many things. You can hardly find a t-shirt, sweatshirt or hoodie that doesn't have "GAP" all over it. Banana Republic doesn't see the need to do it, so why do the other guys do it?

It's not as if Gap is an exclusive brand, right? So it's not as if you're going to get people to look at your shirt and say, "Wow! She shops at Gap! She must be very rich and very fashion-savvy!" because most likely they have an identical shirt in their own closet that they too picked up for $15.95 on clearance.

So the whole name-brand aura is really lacking. You can get away with wearing "Vera Wang," "Ferrari," or "Harry Winston" across your front but "Old Navy" is just silly--kind of like advertising for Denny's or something.

Which brings up the issue of advertising.

I figure that if Old Navy wants me to go around flashing their name at everyone I see then instead of me paying for the shirt they ought to be paying me to wear it. I won't be a walking billboard for free people, it costs money if you're going to rent my space.

8. A Cowboy Hat
Now I have no issues with cowboy hats--I've seen all sorts of women get away with wearing them and look very attractive (Julia Roberts comes to mind) but me? The very thought makes me laugh.

No, no, no, no, no. Me wearing a cowboy hat would be like President Obama showing up at the G-20 summit in one. Less black and more female but just as ridiculous.

Fur Coats9. A Fur Coat
Again, I'm not someone who has a problem with others wearing one of these but it's just so not my thing.

I know they're supposed to be wonderful and beautiful and ooh-la-la but to me they're just a bunch of dead animals sewn together. Not that I have anything against dead animals being sewn together necessarily, I'd just rather have Gortex thank you very much.

Or maybe a beautiful full-length wool coat if I was dressing up. I'm so tall that if I wore a fancy mink coat I'd probably end up looking like either a pimp or Dr. Zhivago, take your pick. For sure they'd think I was a man under all that fur.

Ripped Twill Jeans10. Ripped anything
Remember the 80s? (I know, you're trying not to) And the guys with the mullets who ripped the sleeves off their t-shirts? Or how about more recently when you saw girls ripping the waist bands off their pants? Or just buying ripped jeans ripped right from the rack?

I don't get the ripped look though I suppose it's an effort to be anti-bourgeois and of-the-people but at a price tag that is a little ironic.

I really should open up a business of custom-ripping clothing. Bring me your pants, your shirts, your sweatpants, your huddle masses longing to breathe free and I will rip them for you in a way that guarantees fashionable ventilation.

And as a side note--there are so many things wrong with these jeans that it's kind of funny that I would zero-in on the ripped angle. Wouldn't you love to have watched the model trying to put these pants on? I can only imagine that she'd need a very, very large shoe horn, a gallon of Vaseline or some hydraulic stretchers to get the pant legs wide enough to insert an ankle completely through.

If she were to sit down she'd cut off circulation to her legs and they'd have to amputate.

Crocs11. Crocs. Or Uggs come to think of it.
Seeing this picture of crocs with big honkin' bows on top makes me think of that classic Saturday Night Live sketch.

"Hey! I know you! You're that crazy land shark!"

"Actually ma'am I'm only a dolphin."

You can take try and dress them up, you can paint them and slap all sorts of monstrosities on the toe but it still doesn't change the fact that you're still looking at perforated plastic on your feet. What color is that? "Dung Beetle?" And they're not really cheap are they? I mean they cost at least $35 or $40 when they probably cost $.23 to produce. Maybe the markup is for the pretty bow.

Ditto for Uggs. They don't call them "Uggs" for nothing folks. And the funniest thing is? People are BUYING them! To wear!

Bubble Shorts12. Bubble shorts
You read that right folks. Bubble. Shorts. Together.

Trust me, this isn't a case of "Hey! You got your peanut butter on my chocolate bar!" because neither one of these items were things that should have been allowed to mate and produce offspring.

Yes, I remember bubble skirts back in college and yes, I did have one (a killer taffeta number that was simply smashing thank you very much) but really it was a fad that should have been given a DNR right about 1990.

Just take it off of life-support and pull that plug doctor, no one wants to live like that.

And especially with *eew!* gladiator sandals!? The only person gladiator sandals ever looked good on was Russell Crowe and it had absolutely nothing to do with the sandals.

Gwyneth Paltrow Jumpsuits13. Jumpsuits
In any form. Under no condition.

While I've always kind of liked Gwyneth Paltrow her GOOP newsletter cracks me up.

I mean--don't get me wrong--I scan through it somewhat regularly because there's no telling when I too might become a Hollywood aristocrat with a personal trainer, acupuncturist, therapist, spiritual mentor and nanny for my oddly-named children and then I'm sure to have a need for this one-act tragedy in black.

"But look!" You might say. "It has pockets! You love pockets!"

Sorry, no sale. I have a very fixed rule to never ever ever wear anything that I would have to completely remove in a public restroom just to be able to use the facilities. I don't do "naked" in outhouse stalls. No wonder she gave it up for a charity auction on ebay. Even she won't wear it.

Never, never, never!

Sponsored by Unique Wedding Invitations in Paper and Wood by Oslo Press

82 comments:

branda50 said...

These made me laugh right out..I am with you with the blue tooth...Do people think they are so important they have to wear their phone all the time..I see this man with his on and has been for oh maybe for 3 years now...It's probably stuck there and he can't take it off!
I have never seen bubble shorts.. I'd never wear them either....

Bee said...

I did have ripped jeans in the early '80's. Because I fell down and, not only ripped my jeans, but ripped a big ol' whole in my knee, too.

I just had a vision of the harem pants, the Babysteppers and the blue tooth all being worn at the same time. It was not pretty. Kind of Big Foot goes to Fashion Week in New York and calls home to brag. Ugh!

The Source said...

Oh...the Frodo shoes are the stuff of nightmares!

My mother-in-law wheres a bluetooth everywhere she goes. She's an upholstery seamstress so you know it's absolutely VITAL that she be available 24-7...just in case someone really needs to change the color of the fringe on their throw pillows.

One Mom said...

I'm with you all the way along with anything that is so tight and stretchy as to shout to the world "Looky here! Muffin top!"

K said...

This post is just what I needed to jumpstart my morning! Thanks! I am totally with you on T-shirt advertising. Also, I thought the goucho pants were bad enough, but they've really upped the anti with that little vomit-colored harem pant number, haven't they?

Jolanthe said...

Oh my word ~ I was laughing so hard at the bluetooth and the 5 toed shoes....

Frodo!! :)

Anonymous said...

THE COMMENT ABOUT THE BLUETOOTH
HAD ME ROLLING ON THE FLOOR.
"THAT JERK, I'D LIKE TO GIVE
HIM A COCHLEAR IMPLANT!"THANKS
FOR MAKING MY DAY.MOST OF THE
OTHER "FASHIONS" I WOULDN'T
WEAR AT MY FUNERAL!..MM FROM
VANCOUVER,WA

a Tonggu Momma said...

Bluetooth Guy is definitely in communication with the Borg. I know this because our family has nicknamed my husband's company The Borg. And almost all of the employees at my husband's company have bluetooths (blueteeth?).

As to why we call the husband's company The Borg? On Star Trek, it's depicted as a superhuman race, with one collective mind, that tends to assimilate others who get in their way. Yes. Well. Ahem.

Chele said...

Too funny! I needed the laugh to start the day! I agree with every single one of these! Bluetooth does drive me crazy but cell phones do the same thing for me. People just have lost all respect for the privacy of a phone call. I just laugh at people when they talk on their cell or bluetooth at a restaurant and their talking about such personal things. Amazes me!

Summer said...

A Fanny Hat? Seriously?!?! How could that ever be fashionable!

I'm with you on flip flops. I detest the feeling of anything between my toes!

Chris said...

Oh c'mon, you got to get some harem pants. Nothing says sexy like a crotch down by your knees. And it doubles as a dress! What a bargain!

LLG said...

I agree with you on pretty much all of these items. Especially ripped jeans. I find it funny that people these days pay hundreds of dollars for brand names and the rips to be in the right spot, ripped in the right way. I can put holes in my jeans for free thank you very much, and I didn't pay over 50 dollars for my jeans. I would also like to know why the fasion of the 80s is insisting on coming back. The 80s was a horrible era for fashion. Thanks for the blog..its a great read!

Edi said...

I pretty much agree with you on all items mentioned...I remember though wearing a jumpsuit thing back about 20 years ago...it was black and kind of like a catsuit - but more modest :0

I had a pair of knockoff crocs though I never did like the look - less so when I noticed an old scruffy man wearing the exact color (yellow)crocs.

I confess to using fanny packs on occasion but only WHEN NECESSARY. And I hate the way it looks but like when we go to a theme park type place it works great to keep the hands free of a purse and still have a safe place for my wallet, sunscreen, Tylenol etc. You just can't look attracting wearing a fanny pack.

Kara said...

Oh goodness... these are all in so many horrible ways horrendous.

And you hit on it EXactly with the Bluetooth - whenever I see anyone with one on, I want to go up and introduce myself because they must be that important.

planetnomad said...

The pic of the harem pants-as-dress is cracking me up! That is awesome! Where do you find these things? It made my day.

And I am so totally in accord with you on fanny packs (fanny hats? NOOOO. The world already mocked American fashion--let's not make it worse) and crocs. Sooo ugly.

Patois said...

OMG, I am grateful I am so out of it so that I'm not aware that so many of these items are actually being worn. This post is the stuff that makes nightmares. Hold me. (But not if you're wearing a fanny pack.)

Steph @ Diapers and Divinity said...

Since half of my wardrobe is from Old Navy's clearance rack, I'm afraid I've grossly violated at least one of your rules. My dignity threshold is much lower.

MommyK said...

I have a Bluetooth. Although it's pink. And I love it. I try to keep public use of it to a minimum, but it IS helpful when I'm grocery shopping with both kids and my husband calls to tell me we need orange juice and potatoes.

Momma Roar said...

I nodded my head in agreement with every single one!

I've never liked crocs or uggs - but the crocs with the bow, eek!

Fun post!

(Oh, I heard they are slowly opening up the Statue of Liberty to allow visitors to climb. Just 15 or so a day now, but they hope to increase it by summer!!!!!)

M said...

Oh no, you didn't bash on my beloved Uggs. I was SO with you up until that point. I hated them too, until I found the tall ones in smooth leather. I have to tell you, those babies have gotten me through 2 Minnesota winters and I owe them big time.

I never let my children wear "licensed wear" and Crocs should only exist in the toddler sizes. (Seriously, toddler size 5 Crocs ARE cute, but Mr. Scruffy's Size 13 yellow ones? Not so much.)

Good morning laugh post. Thanks!

Hairline Fracture said...

I completely agree with you. Just the other day I was wondering, "Which trends are we going to be embarrassed about in our era?" Well, here they are!

We don't have to be embarrassed if we refuse to participate!

The first two just about tie in my mind for the ones that give me the creeps the most. I do wear flip-flops, but those shoes...yuck.

Maddy said...

I have no choice. You've put it in print. I'm off to report you to The House Committee on Un-American Activities. I wonder where they'll deport you to? Foreigners are always snitches.
Cheers

NGS said...

I so agree with you on many of these!! The logo thing? I don't care if the brand is super expensive or exclusive - I hate it when clothes and accessories are more about the logo than the item (I'm talking to you, Coach!).

I would never wear a jumpsuit myself, but this past weekend we watched My Cousin Vinny and Marisa Tomei rocked some jumpsuits in that movie!! I guess it helps if you are a toned size 0 to look good in something so silly!

Callista said...

LOL That was great. I wouldn't wear most of those either. I don't mind a Christmas shirt or green on St. Patty's day but I wouldn't wear a dress with that looked like a big Canadian flag.

Fanny packs are dumb looking but I haven't worn them, they come in handy at the summer camp I help run. Never heard of a fanny hat though. That would only be good for pieces of paper or something flat.

thepipers said...

I'm with you on every single one. I suppose I'd wear ripped jeans for gardening or something, but not for fashion.

Those harem pants were hysterical. I saw an outfit in the window of the Bebe store the other day at the mall that made me wish I had my camera—it was so stinkin' ugly and hilarious.

If I had the guts & time, I wouldn't tried it on and taken a horrifying picture for my blog. :-)

Jennifer said...

I agree with you on every single item! That almost never happens. Though cowboy hats are big where I live!

thepipers said...

Here's the outfit:

http://tinyurl.com/rygm86

It's funny, because when I went to their site, I found it under that category "What's Hot."

Mimi said...

HA! I had a nightmare just the other night that I was going back to college to get my MBA and I was wearing my bright orange crocs -- the ones i use for such things as cleaning my house or going into the basement. They were the only shoes I brought to school and I was MORTIFIED!

Scribbit said...

Well Mimi--I hear you. I do own a pair of Crocs that I leave on my back porch to be used when I run to the garden or to hang up clothes on the line but not in public.

But then there are plenty of times when I'm wearing socks around the house and run to the car to take kids to school and slip on sandals so that I'm technically wearing sandals with socks (big no no). If I were to meet up with someone I knew? Mortifying :)

Carinne said...

Hey - crocs were WONDERFUL when I was 8 mmonths pregnant. I bought them in an emergency when I was out of town and my feet had swollen so badly that I couldn't fit them into ANY of the shoes I'd brought. They felt SOOO good then. I would have kissed them if appropriate. Although, I haven't worn them in public since. Maybe an occasional run in the car if I'm not getting out, but that's it.

I'd like to add an item to your list - OVERALLS for women. They don't look good on anyone. If you're really really skinny, then they might not look horrible, but they don't look attractive. Are you a farmer or a child? Plus, they highlight your rear - and not in a good way. They make you look as unfemine as possible. I saw a women in short overalls yesterday. It was so ugly. Plus, she had her sleeves and short cuffs rolled up - she's obviously never gotten out of the 80s. Poor woman, Where's "What Not to Wear" when you need it. I love that show.

Babystepper said...

Well, now I have to defend my poor, maligned little FiveFingers. (They aren't called Babysteppers, people, that's me.) =)

One doesn't wear them because they are the height of fashion. It's because it gives you much better coordination and balance and strengthens your foot and leg muscles in a more natural way. I love them, and will continue to do so, so...Pbbbbb! =P

I'm with you for the rest, Scribbit. (except I too use crocs for gardening etc., and my mother religiously uses fanny packs on longs hikes for her first aid kit and car keys and such.) I especially hate paying money to a company for the privilege to advertise for them. I don't buy those ignorant Disney items at Wal-mart for my children for just that reason.

Babystepper said...

It just occurred to me that this is a sufficient payback for my calling your Morton's Foot "malformed."


he he he he
=)

Anonymous said...

As a general rule, I agree with you. I had a jumpsuit that had long sleeves and was comfortable as a pair of PJs or lounge around the house. They were called Hostess Outfits when I had mine. Years Ago!
Cloths made to look like the FLAG. Sorry, it is too hard to tell if they are respectful. If they want to use the colors, red/white/blue and stars do it in a way that says this is bunting and NOT the American Flag.
I still say Kid Rock wore the American Flag at the 1/2 time show he did for the Superbowl and will NO LONGER PURCHASE his songs I don't care how popular they get. It looked like he took an American Flag and slit it and stuck his head through it!
Ok off the soap box but there it is.

Mrs. F said...

Can I just point out that the MODEL in the bubble shorts has what seems to me to be the onset of a camel-toe?!?!

If the model can not even make the bubble shorts look good, then what in the world would make a non-model sized person want to even try them on?

I'm just sayin'.

cndymkr / jean said...

The first photo caught my attention and I almost died. It wasn't until I read the title of this post that I stopped hyperventilating. Some of these things are so bizarre that I can't imagine anyone wearing them out in public. Seriously, those Babystepper shoes? Why? Why?

Great post. Thanks for the laughs.

Heather said...

Wow, that is some bad, bad gear.

The Cowgirl said...

Holy cow...I didn't know it was legal to post so many hideous things in one place! :)

Flea said...

Michelle - these are all fantastic! I stand by my Crocs, though. I do NOT wear them as a fashion statement. They are the most comfortable pair of shoes I've ever worn. And great as house shoes. Horrid in the rain, though. :)

chelle said...

hahaha I concur (well except for ugss do you know how cozy they are on cool days?!?!)

Alison Kelley said...

I'm totally horrified! I can't image that people really wear or use these things! LOL, love your blue tooth comment, I always crack up when I see these really old ladies at the grocery store wearing them, makes me think I'm not as important as they are, LOL!

MnC said...

I agree with everything except the crocs. You would love them too if your feet had so many problems you hobble around all day and countless doctors can't help you. Hey I love the ballet flat ones, no one ever knows they are crocs and they are much better than http://www.zcoil.com/ which my doctor recommended.

CrAzY Working Mom said...

Harem Pants, Bubble Shorts, & Five Toed Shoes...I've never even heard of such, so I assure you that I'm not wearing them. *LOL*

Kate said...

Yeah, so I disagree with you on a bunch of them (well, at least a few). I have a pair of crocs that are a ballerina style. You can't even tell that they're crocs and they are so comfortable. They have saved my little feet so many times! I also have a pair of imitation Uggs and if you ever tried on a pair, you would understand why people like them. It's like walking on a cloud. I also think that dressing patriotic is okay, as long as its somewhat subtle. Also, why I'm not the biggest fan of bluetooth, living in California makes it so that they are basically unavoidable and I think that before long most states will enact hands-free cell phone driving laws and so you'll probably eventually try one on. While they might not be the best fashion statement, they can be pretty handy.

MamaGeek @ Works For Us said...

Girl, I am CATEGORICALLLY with ya on each and every one! Those shoes? OH MY!

Madeline said...

Oh, my gosh! Where did you find all of that insanity!! Fanny HATS???? Really???? Those exist???

Jill in MA said...

I stand by my Crocs, as well. I know they're not a fashion statement, but I love, love, love them and currently have them in 3 different styles. Wearing Crocs sandals at Disney World was a total life saver! Of course, I realize that I'll look back on the Croc craze 10 or 20 years from now and be appalled!

OMG, MnC, those Z Coil shoes are a riot! They remind me of that Sienfeld episode where Kramer wears those crazy shoes!

Adventures In Babywearing said...

This cracks me up!!

Steph

An Ordinary Mom said...

Most of these I agree with, but I do love my comfy Crocs.

J at www.jellyjules.com said...

I'm SO with you. On all of these.

Andrew and Linda said...

I think there was more than one thing on this list that made me want to wash my eyes out. Seriously. BUBBLE Shorts? Isn't it hard enough to feel like your behind has expanded to the point that it LOOKS like a bubble without having it emphasized??? And the Harem Dress. I think I'm going to have nightmares. Where does one even come up with such an idea as this??? I have a pair of jeans that do have a hole in the knee. I will confess to still wearing them... in the garden... as for shoes that emphasize the fact that I have 5 toes - what do those people who have had toes amputated do? And what if your toes don't fit into their little molded spaces? What then??? Do you just cut the tops off so that your toes fit better? Thanks, but I'm with you on not wearing these!

Krystal said...

I agree with you but most of my jeans are torn, hey I live in North Pole Alaska! I don't think we're high fashion up here!

Alison Kerr said...

Thanks for the laugh. Those toe shoes might give me a nightmare tonight, not to mention the espadrille boot things - foot torture should be outlawed!

I swear, at least twice I've seen someone talking to themselves while walking back and forth and thought they were just some poor crazy person off in their own little world, waiting for the men in white coats to bring a padded jacket along. Borg. LOL!

The only one I'd wear is the cowboy, or more correctly cowgirl, hat. I've got one, and I LOVE it :-)

TJ said...

i also hate crocs and uggs. and if people do wear crocs, it should only be because they have feet issues. thats it. uggs are just ugly. and what i don't get is why people wear them in so cal. i mean, really. does it get that cold there? no. not unless you're up in the mountains. the bluetooth is super handy for driving and shopping with children. or while folding laundry, doing dishes....i rarely wear it in public though, and never at a restaurant. and when you're driving on any military post you must have a hands free device. and many states do have a law that you have to have a hands free device if you're talking on the phone while driving. bubble shorts? fanny packs? never ever. and those harem pants are nuts.

Carrie said...

Wow -you really went out & found the 'ugly' for this post!!! I would wear the crocs, probably, but, wow, the rest of it? UGLY!!!

Also, I don't wear stuff with GAP across the front for the opposite reason - it makes me feel like a showoff, b/c we're in ministry, so we're not supposed to shop at places like Gap, right? Someone gave my son a really cute Gap sweatsuit when he was born, but I never put him in it b/c I didn't want people to think I was being snooty...know what I mean??? It's probably silly, I guess... :)

Gray Matters said...

I love this list and agree with absolutely everything you said. Especially the GAP - OLD NAVY thing - I won't buy any of it for my kids either.

Lissete said...

I agree with all of these except for the crocs. The big old ugly ones for sure are a no go for me, but I do like the cleo sandals, neutral colors only.

I have never even heard of a fanny hat or 5 toe shoes! For crissake, who comes up with these things?!?!?

I too do not find the appeal of a blinking light in your ear! :)

jacjewelry said...

I have a pair of those Harem Pants... They were pricey but SO worth it! Come on, it's Diane Von Furstenberg we're talking about!

Totally kidding. They are hideous.

I was suspicious about those five-toed shoes at first, but then saw a Crossfit trainer wearing a pair. He said they imitate running barefoot, which is the best kind of running you can do to minimize detrimental effects running has on your feet. (Now you can't possibly run barefoot outside unless you're running on the beach, so these shoes are the closest thing that will get you there). He said they're weird at first, but really comfortable once you get used to them - so if you're a runner, they're a good choice. Husband knows someone who ran a marathon in them even! He tried to get a pair, but they won't work for those whose second toes are longer than big toes.

While I love bubble dresses, I haven't seen bubble shorts!

jacjewelry said...

P.S. I don't like anything with logos - ANY kind of logos, period.

Janelle said...

Oh my gosh, I'm soooo with you!

2) I actually CAN'T wear toe socks (much less shoes) because I have two toes on my right foot that are slightly webbed. Toe socks = very uncomfortable.

4) I've never even heard of a fanny hat. Whose ugly idea was that? And who wears stuff on their head other than a hat?

6) Eww, eww, eww!

9) I just don't "get" fur coats.

11) Crocs. Eww.

12) Eww, eww, eww! Can I say it enough? And the sandals?!?

katy said...

Fanny hats seems pretty useful...depending on what you put in it...

mannequin said...

Precisely on all counts.
Oh dear, those harem pants are hideous as are the boots. What the heck are designers thinking?

And I cannot stand, cannot stand, the whole idea of being a walking advertisement for a company with their name emblazoned on my chest.
I feel a need for compensation.

Laurie said...

Have you considered that perhaps, Gwyneth, is not a normal human being? She is a celebrity. She has weird names for her children. Perhaps she is not human at all, therefore, she has no need to to disrobe for normal bodily functions. Just a thought. Or she has a personal assistant who undresses her after a large glass of iced tea? I have a friend who hears a bluetooth device. She indeed does look ridiculous, and I think she deserves a turn on What Not to Wear, and not just b/c of the bluetooth.

Sarah Lulu said...

Ohhhh dear that me laughing until I cried. The only thing I would wear is Uggs ...but I'm Australian ...we can.

fruitfulwords said...

I can relate about not liking anything between the toes. I think toe socks rank up there with the 5 toed shoes and flip flops.

I have been going through the stuff in my garage and came to several boxes of old clothes. I have to confess I found a salmon colored jumpsuit and overalls.

Don't go "eeew" that I did put both into the save pile. They are being cut up for quilts.

Fanny packs have been useful for hiking or traveling. But I do draw the line at fanny hats.

With all the recommendations for crocs, I'm going to check them out as I do have some feet issues.

Motherboard said...

Funny funny funny!

It sort of made me want to say "The 80's called and they want their tacky fashions back!"

ewe are here said...

Can't argue with any of these... shudder.

Damselfly said...

Hahaha! Bubble shorts?!

I am with you on all of those items, my friend! Except I have been known to wear a cowboy-style hat trekking outdoors sometimes. Sometimes you get tired of the same out bucket-style hiking hat.

Megan (FriedOkra) said...

"and give him a cochlear implant." Ohmygranny. Still giggling. So true, too.

Karen Olson said...

This totally made my day. Fantastic.

Serena said...

Everything is so awful. My mind shut down when I saw the bubble shorts. These things ought not to be! And, then, seeing the jumpsuit brought me back and I literally started crying and laughing at the same time.

I agree with you on everything, but I'm wavering on the Crocs. They have hiking shoes/sandals now, and I figure a hiking shoe isn't going to be pretty anyway, and I have such a hard time finding shoes that work for my feet--the thought is tempting, since everyone says they're so comfortable.

I can see you looking cute in a straw cowboy-ish hat.

Lori said...

I love the Obama pic. Forget the GOP's desire for a makeover, if for some reason, the dems need to reinvent themselves, there's the man!

Melissa-Mc said...

I just can't handle the jumpsuits. WHY?

RefreshMom said...

I think it's pretty safe to say that I'll join you in boycotting every one of the things on your list.

I just had to post about the things between your toes though. I thought I was the only one who really hated that! In fact, the few times I've even tried on sandals with something between the toe I'd swear that it's going to cripple me to try to walk. I found out I can't even use those toe-separator things when painting my toenails--they just kill me. Thankfully there are lots of non-flip flop summer shoe alternatives!

Morgan said...

I feel the same way about Old Navy! They should be paying ME to wear their logo and walk around as advertising. The only t-shirts I buy with their name on it are the kids' halloween ones, and only because they're so cute.

Fanny hats?!? Wow, that's really... different!

I wanted to let you know that I am linking to your blog. I was looking for a description of an indoor fishing game and liked yours, so I will be linking to you on my blog Adventures in Diapering! : )

Courtney said...

okay, I am not sure why but I continue to giggle about the bluetooth picture and just the thought of a fanny pack.

I am so with you on those pants and the patriot gear. Oh my goodness...

boinky said...

Yup. I can see myself in bubble shorts...not.

Linked to my blog.

FAPORT International said...

I agree with you for the most, but you shown a cool stuff here, i like many of them like shoe....

Marketing Mama said...

That was hilarious! I've never heard of a fanny hat - that is unbelievable!!! So are many other things on this list. Love it! :)

Native American Momma said...

I had ripped jeans, I bought them in the 5th grade (without rips) and they got ripped by the time I was in middle school and ripped jeans were cool. I was tempted to try to sell them for 100.00 bucks at school, but my peeps were poor

charrette said...

Hahahaha! Your commentary on all of these is just hilarious! And you'll be glad to know that 1) I share your aversion to anything between my toes, including not wearing flip-flops (I honestly thought I was the last hold-out)! and 2) In my husband's web series, jer3miah.com, all the evil characters wear bluetooth headpieces.

Stephanie said...

As you know, I agree with *almost* everything on your list. EXCEPT I do like cowboy hats sometimes. I'm an Arizona girl, after all. :)

I found a few other hideous items to add to your list:
* http://www.lizclaiborne.com/Smocked-Harem-Pant/LCMUA784,default,pd.html?cgid=womensPants
* http://www.lizclaiborne.com/Hepburn-Wide-Leg-Utility-Pant/LCMUA789,default,pd.html?cgid=womensPants

Anonymous said...

Those harem pants - fab! I remember my Dad calling them "7-day-shit-pants" (because there is enough room to ..... ) Hahaha!