Things I Will Never Wear

Okay I've seen fashion columns all over the place of what to wear and while those are very helpful I think it might be easier to be chic if I can eliminate a few things that I absolutely, positively will not wear under any circumstances.

And I'm really hoping that none of you out there are lounging around in one of these atrocities because really, they're pretty bad though I'm guessing that most are not only ugly but expensive and ugly so the risk is fairly minimal that I'll offend one of you with my rantings.

1. Harem Pants
Starting the list off with a bang (as in "SHOOT ME QUICK!") is Diane Von Furstenberg (yes, this is a designer creation if you can believe it) with her "harem pants."

And good news ladies! It can also be worn as an extremely ugly dress! Two times the ugly for the price of one. I can't imagine how freakish that dress would feel as you walked or sat while wearing it. Like you were wearing a big old fat diaper or something. In silk.

Proof that Ms. Furstenberg is working as an Al Quaida operative, trying to bring down the U.S. from the inside out.

2. Five Toed Shoes
I'm sorry Babystepper, but of all the things I've ever seen for my feet these have got to be the craziest. And not in a crazy good way.

I can only imagine how weird it would feel to have each one of my digits encased in kevlar-esque armor and it makes me shiver.

I've never confessed this out loud but one of the things that absolutely drives me up the wall is having things between my toes. I haven't worn a pair of flip flops since I was about ten years old because I hate the feeling so much.

Upon reflection, I can only describe it as a wedgie for your toes and this shoe my friends, takes the episode to the level of Supreme Horror.

Besides--the first thing that comes to mind when I see these nasties is "hobbits." Just slap a bunch of fake fur on the top and it's "Mr. Frodo! Mr. Frodo!" all day long.

3. A Bluetooth
Don't let the picture fool you--in general people who wear Bluetooths outside of the privacy of their own hands-free office environment are not this attractive. Not at all.

And don't let his partner's smile fool you either because right now she's thinking, "That jerk. He's been talking with Joe about the game for ten minutes and if he doesn't turn off that stupid thing right now and have dinner with me I'm going to take this fork and give him a cochlear implant."

In fact, while contemplating a man walking through the grocery store talking and gesturing wildly to some unseen person I had the distinct thought come to me that it used to be that people like him were pitied as Tourette Syndrome victims. Nowadays they're just people who want others to think that they're so darn important that they can't afford to miss one single minute away from communication with other Very Important People.

Either that or they're in cahoots with the Borg.

"Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated."

4. Fanny packs or fanny hats
I thought that fanny packs were kind of like polio--where there had been such a concerted effort to eradicate their evil influence that they'd pretty much been wiped clean from the face of the earth and we were now safe.

Oh how wrong I was.

Just as viruses often mutant into new and more virulent strains of poison fanny packs have morphed into fanny hats, breathing new life into the phrase "butt head."

I need not say more. I think you understand the dangers here.

5. Patriotic attire
I have a general aversion to dressing for holidays in general. Christmas sweaters and green for St. Patrick's Day aren't my thing but bring out the stars and stripes and it goes from fashion faux pas to a full-on abomination.

Something about commercializing the flag doesn't sit well with me and then unless you're talking a jaunty nautical look (very sporty and chic right now) women should generally avoid wearing red, white and blue together anyway. It's just not a pretty sight--particularly for prom.

6. Espadrille boots
In general I'm comfortable with cross-over chic. It's kind of like fusion cuisine and can be very exciting.

I myself have a pair of Mary Jane wingtip pumps that are just adorable but something about the shoe industry takes this principle to exhausting lengths.

Are they boots? Are they sandals? Are they regulation Storm Trooper gear? Come on people--say it with me, "Ug-lee!"

Because every woman wants a boot that will allow sand to get between her toes (again with the stuff-between-my-toes-thing!)

Just because you can make something into a boot doesn't mean you should. To me the whole thing exemplifies the need for regulation in genetic engineering. To prevent horror stories like this from slipping into our foot wear gene pool.

7. Anything with Old Navy or Gap on It
Generally I like shopping at Gap and Old Navy--you can get great deals there and I'm a fan of Gap jeans--but I have an issue with the way the company slaps their big fat old name on so many things. You can hardly find a t-shirt, sweatshirt or hoodie that doesn't have "GAP" all over it. Banana Republic doesn't see the need to do it, so why do the other guys do it?

It's not as if Gap is an exclusive brand, right? So it's not as if you're going to get people to look at your shirt and say, "Wow! She shops at Gap! She must be very rich and very fashion-savvy!" because most likely they have an identical shirt in their own closet that they too picked up for $15.95 on clearance.

So the whole name-brand aura is really lacking. You can get away with wearing "Vera Wang," "Ferrari," or "Harry Winston" across your front but "Old Navy" is just silly--kind of like advertising for Denny's or something.

Which brings up the issue of advertising.

I figure that if Old Navy wants me to go around flashing their name at everyone I see then instead of me paying for the shirt they ought to be paying me to wear it. I won't be a walking billboard for free people, it costs money if you're going to rent my space.

8. A Cowboy Hat
Now I have no issues with cowboy hats--I've seen all sorts of women get away with wearing them and look very attractive (Julia Roberts comes to mind) but me? The very thought makes me laugh.

No, no, no, no, no. Me wearing a cowboy hat would be like President Obama showing up at the G-20 summit in one. Less black and more female but just as ridiculous.

9. A Fur Coat
Again, I'm not someone who has a problem with others wearing one of these but it's just so not my thing.

I know they're supposed to be wonderful and beautiful and ooh-la-la but to me they're just a bunch of dead animals sewn together. Not that I have anything against dead animals being sewn together necessarily, I'd just rather have Gortex thank you very much.

Or maybe a beautiful full-length wool coat if I was dressing up. I'm so tall that if I wore a fancy mink coat I'd probably end up looking like either a pimp or Dr. Zhivago, take your pick. For sure they'd think I was a man under all that fur.

10. Ripped anything
Remember the 80s? (I know, you're trying not to) And the guys with the mullets who ripped the sleeves off their t-shirts? Or how about more recently when you saw girls ripping the waist bands off their pants? Or just buying ripped jeans ripped right from the rack?

I don't get the ripped look though I suppose it's an effort to be anti-bourgeois and of-the-people but at a price tag that is a little ironic.

I really should open up a business of custom-ripping clothing. Bring me your pants, your shirts, your sweatpants, your huddle masses longing to breathe free and I will rip them for you in a way that guarantees fashionable ventilation.

And as a side note--there are so many things wrong with these jeans that it's kind of funny that I would zero-in on the ripped angle. Wouldn't you love to have watched the model trying to put these pants on? I can only imagine that she'd need a very, very large shoe horn, a gallon of Vaseline or some hydraulic stretchers to get the pant legs wide enough to insert an ankle completely through.

If she were to sit down she'd cut off circulation to her legs and they'd have to amputate.

11. Crocs. Or Uggs come to think of it.
Seeing this picture of crocs with big honkin' bows on top makes me think of that classic Saturday Night Live sketch.

"Hey! I know you! You're that crazy land shark!"

"Actually ma'am I'm only a dolphin."

You can take try and dress them up, you can paint them and slap all sorts of monstrosities on the toe but it still doesn't change the fact that you're still looking at perforated plastic on your feet. What color is that? "Dung Beetle?" And they're not really cheap are they? I mean they cost at least $35 or $40 when they probably cost $.23 to produce. Maybe the markup is for the pretty bow.

Ditto for Uggs. They don't call them "Uggs" for nothing folks. And the funniest thing is? People are BUYING them! To wear!

12. Bubble shorts
You read that right folks. Bubble. Shorts. Together.

Trust me, this isn't a case of "Hey! You got your peanut butter on my chocolate bar!" because neither one of these items were things that should have been allowed to mate and produce offspring.

Yes, I remember bubble skirts back in college and yes, I did have one (a killer taffeta number that was simply smashing thank you very much) but really it was a fad that should have been given a DNR right about 1990.

Just take it off of life-support and pull that plug doctor, no one wants to live like that.

And especially with *eew!* gladiator sandals!? The only person gladiator sandals ever looked good on was Russell Crowe and it had absolutely nothing to do with the sandals.

13. Jumpsuits
In any form. Under no condition.

While I've always kind of liked Gwyneth Paltrow her GOOP newsletter cracks me up.

I mean--don't get me wrong--I scan through it somewhat regularly because there's no telling when I too might become a Hollywood aristocrat with a personal trainer, acupuncturist, therapist, spiritual mentor and nanny for my oddly-named children and then I'm sure to have a need for this one-act tragedy in black.

"But look!" You might say. "It has pockets! You love pockets!"

Sorry, no sale. I have a very fixed rule to never ever ever wear anything that I would have to completely remove in a public restroom just to be able to use the facilities. I don't do "naked" in outhouse stalls. No wonder she gave it up for a charity auction on ebay. Even she won't wear it.

Never, never, never!

Sponsored by Unique Wedding Invitations in Paper and Wood by Oslo Press