How about an Apology?

You know how it's said that the three hardest words in the world to say are "I love you"? Well I've come to realize those are exceeded only by the two hardest words to say: "I'm sorry."

It's interesting how much we drill into our children the importance of being sorry, of admitting guilt and asking for forgiveness ("It's not nice to hit people . . . go and say you're sorry!") but it seems to be a lesson that is reserved only for the very youngest among us. It's as if we've all kind of agreed as a society that children should definitely understand when they're in the wrong and be ready to admit their guilt and beg for clemency but the rest of us are too mature and well-educated to stoop to such weakness.

I read a book not too long ago--I'd quote it here for you except that I can't remember which one it was--that talked about malpractice among doctors. One study said it was easy to predict which doctors would be sued for malpractice and which would not. Of course there are a small handful of cases that will go to court no matter who is involved but the vast majority of times a patient decided to sue a doctor occurred when the doctor had a personality that inhibited communication. Patients who felt their doctors were real people who cared and listened to them were far less likely to sue, even under great provocation; conversely, patients who felt their doctors didn't listen, or even if they only perceived that their doctors didn't care, were far more likely to haul them in for a good old-fashioned lawsuit.

My husband has seen this in the legal field--people who have been wronged (or who merely feel they've been wronged) often don't want lots of money or notoriety for their situation. They don't want damages or fame, they just want someone to pay attention to them, to hear what they have been through and then to say (get this) "I'm sorry."

So if that's all it takes to make confrontations go away why is it so hard for people to say these words? Politicians, companies, churches--all seem to have the hardest time just admitting that they messed up and I find myself watching the news many nights and thinking, "Why don't they just say they're sorry? They need to stop explaining how they're not at fault and just give a big, honest apology. Forget the lawyers, forget how it might put them at risk because if they really and honestly cared about what they've done they'd put those who had suffered above their own interests." I don't know anyone who really and truly thinks they're perfect, I think we can agree that as human beings we are all full of weaknesses and errors yet how infrequently do I ever hear one adult, industry or organization apologizing. They're usually more concerned about their image than their customers, members or acquaintances than making things right or helping those whom they've wronged.

I suppose we think it's a sign of weakness to admit to being in the wrong--or that it will get us into legal trouble by admitting guilt. Perhaps it goes back to our tribal roots where it was kill or be killed, survival of the fittest and all that but really, that's too ridiculous a notion to be taken seriously. Have you ever in all your life had someone sincerely and humbly apologize to you where your heart wasn't softened towards them and you felt instantly kinder and more gently disposed? One apology usually feeds another so that if you can get your mouth to agree to it, the minute the words are out it usually prompts a similar feeling and response in the other party.

But too often we're concerned about who is right and who is wrong and you'd think that the greatest sin someone can commit it to say they're sorry when they "haven't done anything wrong."

Since when is being right a prerequisite for feeling regret? Putting aside the chance that both sides may have done things suitable for repentance, last time I checked it's a perfectly acceptable human emotion to feel sorrow over a bad situation or a misunderstanding or to take the high road and be the first to admit wrongdoing regardless of culpability. I've never known anyone to be angry because someone else had the audacity to apologize to them.

As a mother one of the things I've worried about the most is messing up my children--of committing some parenting error that would irrevocably ruin their characters or psyches--but several years ago I read an article that talked about how parents who are strong enough (yes, I said strong) to admit when they had made a mistake and apologize for it will actually turn out better, healthier and more well-adjusted children ready for the world than those who are, at first glance, nearer to perfection.

The reality is that children are going to make mistakes just as we parents do and the best thing we can teach them is how to say "I'm sorry." Yes they can learn this by having us monitor their playdates and enforce their apologies whenever they step out of line (this does to some extent help to teach them empathy and other healthy social emotions) but the best thing we can do is to set the example by admitting to our own errors and foibles.

When we can apologize for our mistakes and ask for their forgiveness it not only teaches them how to repent for themselves but it gives them a more realistic view of human nature, a better set of values to emulate and a greater sense of who we really are. We're not just some super-human being wrapped up in a bubble of perfection who demands respect and obedience--we're their flawed parents who are trying the best we can to do right by them and even though we make mistakes we recognize when we're in error and care enough about them and our roles as parents to make it good as best we can. There are many mistakes you can make as a parent but the only unforgivable one is not to say you're sorry when you're wrong.

Of course when you take this road you'll find yourself spending half of your parental time apologizing but in the end it will do far more for your kids than any false image of a superhero ever could.

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