Something I Had Vowed Never to Do

Andrew and I did something we swore we'd never, ever do. We have allowed our kids to have a computer in their bedroom.

For years I've sworn that my kids would never be allowed to have a computer, let alone one in their bedroom, I've said that parents who give in and let their children have such a dangerous piece of equipment are completely crazy and then here am I, breaking my own first commandment like a loony.

I've told my kids that letting them access to the internet is rather like letting them play in the street--sooner or later they're likely to get hit--so as a responsible mother I'm duty-bound to regulate things for their protection which has meant that the only computers in the house were our two Mom-and-Dad laptops which Andrew and I could move to the kitchen counter when the kids needed to do research online. They didn't like this approach but then they're not much of a voting block around here when it comes to formulating policy. Take it or leave it.

But then Spencer (age 14) got into web design. He began reading books on HTML and working on practice web pages (usually dedicated to the "Complete Awesomeness of the San Diego Chargers") and after eight or ten months he began to set some goals for himself which included saving up for a computer.

Now he didn't exactly get our approval on this project, he just started saving up his mowing money, and after a rather productive summer he had enough saved to purchase a Mac Mini--at least the CPU part--and Andrew and I found ourselves staring a very big issue in the face: Should we let him buy a computer?

My natural inclination was to say "Absolutely not!" but then we began to deeply discuss the ramifications.  Should we discourage our son from achieving this financial and educational goal by laying down the law? Should we stick by our original rules and maintain consistency? Should we take it on a trial basis? Oh the questions this thing raised, none of which I had an answer for in any degree of certainty.

Finally, we decided that he could buy his computer. Andrew hooked it up and got it souped up with Illustrator and Photoshop and a few other programs Spencer could benefit from then gave him the virtual keys to the car. And I've sat back and bit my knuckles till they've bled. 

I tell myself that if we can teach him to properly use technology then it's a much better solution than merely banishing the internet from his life completely (as if that's even possible) and I tell myself that if his enthusiasm and goals are any indication of the future then this could be a big step towards helping to prepare him with a marketable skill and a career but then I also tell myself about all the dangerous stuff available to kids online and how many people I know who are struggling with husbands or loved ones addicted to pornography and I wonder if I have joined the ranks of the parentally insane.

At any rate, what's done is done and here are a few of the guidelines we've gone over in this debate.


1. Agree to regulations together then stick by them no matter what.
Andrew and I sat down with Spencer before the money was ever spent and seriously talked about our concerns--why the internet was dangerous and why we were nervous (underlying this all with our love for him of course) to help him understand our point of view. The three of us talked about what some appropriate restrictions would be and then Spencer agreed to abide by them. I've heard of families where parents actually write up contracts for situations such as this and I don't think that's a bad idea at all.  Having a written contract on such an important subject might be especially helpful down the road when the restrictions you all agreed upon suddenly seem to be less convenient when the novelty has worn off and the rules begin to chafe.

2. Use those parental controls.
Macs are wonderful this way and not only can you set the amount of time for any user but you can set it to one of three levels of freedom--you can allow total access to the internet, you can filter out sites the computer deems to have adult content or you can set it to only allow access to websites you specifically approve.   You can even set the hours of use.

Discussing these parameters we decided that at this point we'd go with option #3 and only allow him access to sites we approve. Now this makes it difficult for him to do research online but then I figure it might be better anyway for him to school work with my laptop where I can supervise him anyway and save his computer for offline work and online tutorials (which really are wonderful, by the way). You know, sites that specifically help him to learn web design and programming.


3. Set specific time limits.
From anectodal evidence I've heard that the majority of problems that arise from going into dangerous sites occur in those late night hours.  Setting strong rules about the hours of use goes a long way to keeping kids from venturing into dangerous waters.  Apparently "early to bed and early to rise" doesn't just keep you healthy, wealthy and wise but also protects you from internet pornography and online predators too (at least, quite a bit). Think of it as a seat belt--it doesn't guarantee complete safety but it goes a long way toward the goal.

Also, set and control the amount of time spent using the computer.  We decided that two hours a day was plenty of time for Spencer to learn the things he's interested in. After that he needs to get out and shoot some hoops or ride his bike or call his friends. I don't want him obsessing his day away.

4. Keep the computer in a well-trafficked place.
Computers tucked away in corners or in dark, private bedrooms invite trouble.  The monitors should be easily visible to anyone wandering by and parents should be well acquainted with how to check internet history. If you see that the history has been erased that's a very bad sign.

Spencer's computer, while in his bedroom he shares with his brother, is on his desk and easily seen as I walk by in the hallway. And I walk by a lot, let me tell you.  In fact, he doesn't notice this, but when he's up there on the computer I usually keep his bedroom door wide open so I can see things easily, looking over his shoulder.


5. Watch out for games.
Besides the internet games can be an additional danger.  I'm not sure why but to some they seem to be as addicting as drugs or gambling and boys seem to be especially at risk.  Keep the games to a minimum and keep tabs on them--don't feel weird about saying no if a certain game makes you uncomfortable.  After all, you are the parent. You get paid to make those kinds of tough choices.

At any rate, we'll let you know if this proves to be a huge mistake or a wise choice. Check back in a year or so and we'll be able to figure out if we're crazy or not.