Happy Feet Ain't so Happy

How can I describe the experience accurately? Andrew and I took my 7 year-old son David to see Happy Feet tonight and I would have had more fun clipping my fingernails with a Cuisinart than sitting through that excruciating 90-minute experience. Harsh? You be the judge, read on:

I don't ask for much in my movies but the only way you'd enjoy this movie is if you have felt an insatiable curiosity for any of the following:

1. "What if you took March of the Penguins and added line dancing and really bad Scottish accents?"

2. "What if Robin Williams and Barry White mated?"

3. "What would Marilyn Monroe sound like on helium? And could Nicole Kidman sustain that kind of breathy annoyance for an entire movie?"

4. "Why aren't there more penguins doing Elvis impersonations?"

5. And the follow-up "Why hasn't Hugh Jackman done more Elvis impersonations?

6. "Why aren't there more diminutive characters for Elijah Wood to play? Hobbits/penguins, they're all good."

7. "What does a $10 nap feel like?"

8. "Why don't more cartoons cater to the sexually provocative? Where can I take my children to see some good old-fashioned sensuality?"

9. "Why can't Hollywood let me know what they really think about things like organized religion and the environment? I really wish I knew where they stood on those issues."

10. "Why can't there be more cartoons with political agendas? I mean The Little Mermaid is nothing but catchy songs and entertaining animation, I want ISSUES dang it!"

Okay okay I know this is harsh and I don't care for people who make a living from ripping things apart. Criticism isn't the way to a better world but one gets crabby when one pays $18.50 for such poor cinema and you need to be warned blogosphere. Run from this movie like it's the IRS with bubonic plague.

In short it was poorly written, the voices were irritating, the songs and dancing was awkward, the Barry White narrative done by Robin Williams was bizarre, the references to mating season and one character's multiple partners was uncomfortably sexual, it was boring and--last but certainly not least--the plot was nothing but an environmentalist diatribe voiced in monotone by Elijah Wood.

Only two things that kept me from running screaming from the building:

1. I kept awake thinking about all the ways it was worth a blog post.

2. They showed the trailer for Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, set to come out in July 2007. That was worth the price of admission alone.

Technorati tags: Happy Feet, movie reviews, penguins, Harry Potter