If you happen to be the only human left on the planet who hasn't seen this, Apple introduced their new iphone last week. It sings, it dances, it does almost everything your heart could desire. Here are 13 things you can't (yet) do with this amazing device:
1. Shave. Electrolysis, maybe, shaving no.
2. Hammer nails--I wouldn't recommend it. Though I've heard you can stop bullets if you order the CIA model with the Kevlar Keypad feature.
3. Change a tire. But you can CALL someone who can. So it's practically the same thing.
4. Start a fire. Hmmmm . . . a Bic lighter on the side would come in handy.
5. Dice, chop, slice, julienne or chiffonade. But I hear Martha Stewart has contacted Apple about becoming a spokeswoman so who knows?
6. Babysit your kids. A baby-monitor feature wouldn't be a bad thing. Or maybe if your kids' had microchips implanted in their hips Jason-Bourne-style Apple could work this feature in.
7. Dispense Pez. And this is the reason I don't have one, I'm holding out for the candy.
8. Become cooler than Jack Bauer. It'll take more than one of these nifty babies to do that. Even Apple can't perform the impossible.
9. Launch a missile. But this could just be a cover-up because word is President Bush has ordered a red model with the DEFCON 4 feature and the Defense Department is forbidding Apple from selling iphones to North Korea.
10. Make Tom Cruise disappear. And the trouble is, with an iphone he's never more than a phone call away.
11. Control global warming--and Al Gore is therefore calling for a boycott on all Apple products.
12. Find Osama Bin Laden--but the word is he wants one, complete with an ringtone that plays "Fat Bottomed Girls."
13. Use as a Personal Flotation Device. Don't try it because it just doesn't float. Not yet.
More about the Thursday Thirteen meme.
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