Saturday, February 03, 2007

Something to Brighten Your Saturday

I have my mother-in-law to thank for these gems (and that last one had me rolling!)

* A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

* Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

* Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

* A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.

"But why?" they asked, as they moved off.

"Because," he said," I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

* A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption.

One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

* A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close.

Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop.

Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

* Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

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17 comments:

Babystepper said...

Here's another one in the same vein.


Kermit the Frog walks into a bank and asks to speak to a loan officer. He tells the man, whose name is Paddywhack, that his name is Kermit Jagger, and he'd like a personal loan, please, for a new lily pad. Paddywhack says he'll need some kind of down-payment, and Kermit gives him a snowglobe. Since this is such a strange thing to give for a down-payment, loan officer Paddywhack calls in his manager, explains the situation, and says, "Sir, look at this snow-thing, what is this?"
The bank manager says, "It's a knick-knack, Paddywhack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

Rory said...

Hmm, I seem to remember a mildly finger-wagging, "always the puns with you," comment a short while ago.

This must be your get-them-all-out-of-your...
...system-in-one-go post.

These are puntastic.

"If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal." Should've seen that one coming yesterday %)

Janet a.k.a. "Wonder Mom" said...

You've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal...Goodness that is hysterical!

Love it.

And I'm getting my 'love' on too...I'll send it to you when I am ready., I hope!

chelle said...

hehe the last one almost caused the coffee to shoot through my nose! Thanks for the giggles!

Susan said...

:) :D :) :D

Nicole said...

Those were funny!!!

Joyful Days said...

Those were great! I need to share them with my hubby.

I've really appreciated reading here! Thanks.

Kim said...

I LOVED those! I think I drove my husband a little crazy making him listen to me read them outloud, but I just heard him muttering under his breath a minute ago..."you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal." I think he liked them more than me!

Le laquet said...

Lol! I also like ... A noted biologist, who had been studying little green frogs in a swamp, was stumped. The frog population, despite efforts at predator control, was declining at an alarming rate. A chemist at a nearby college came up with a solution: The frogs, due to a chemical change in the swamp water, simply couldn't stay coupled long enough to reproduce successfully. The chemist then brewed up a new adhesive to assist the frogs' togetherness, which included one part sodium. It seems the little green frogs needed some monosodium glue to mate.

JAM said...

My Dear Scribbit,

That final one, about Ghandi, is without a doubt THE finest pun I have ever heard!

I'm trying to memorize it right now. Problem: corn-meal breaded and deep fried southern accent makes speaking it aloud quite difficult.

Anna Venger said...

Those were great!

Ann said...

I've wandered over from Bobarama's blog. You've just told my favorite joke ever - the Gandhi joke. :-)

allrileyedup said...

I loooove the Gandhi one. I tell it all the time at bars, in a "What do you call" joke form. Everyone always gets a kick out of it, I suppose because one, everything is funnier when told in a bar, or two, because it's all the more impressive that I remember it... (or three, my audience requires very little to be entertained).

beth said...

Ha!....Ha! I LOVE the last one! Off to forward...

Chickadee said...

Hehe...given that I'm a bird nerd, I especially enjoyed the vulture joke. :)

strauss said...

My Mum is going to LOVE those jokes. She once told a very long winded joke with teh puch line "I left my harp in sand-crab disco"...we snarled at her when we heard the punch line.

Jen said...

Can you hear me groaning from way down here? I needed those, I love puns!