Things Overhead During the Holidays

We like to joke around here all year long but for some reason this last week or two has produced some lines that would make Hollywood jealous--I tell you you just can't write material this good.

My picture is rather irrelevant--just my newest little niece Lucy that I've been drooling and smooching on for the past week and a half.

1. I'm planning on starting Lillian on some Kafka after hearing her say from the back of the car on the way to school:

"Mom?"

"Yes?"

"I'm glad I'm not a cockroach."

I've learned you just don't question comments like this or delve too deeply into the origins--though I think she's been watching the Discovery Channel and a documentary about the world's largest pile of bat guano with all the cockroaches that live therein. At least I'm hoping that's where this came from. Who cares, just agree and smile. Agree and smile.

"Yes dear, I'm glad you're not a cockroach too."

2. Shortly after Thanksgiving I was trying to instill some good ol' fashioned appreciation in David by explaining about his ancestors and the sacrifices they made and the conversation went something like this:

Me: " . . . After all [blah blah blah] life wasn't easy hundreds of years ago, life for the early colonists was hard [blah blah blah] and you should be extra grateful that they were able to succeed, you have 13 different ancestors that came across on the Mayflower . . . "

David interrupted my motherly diatribe with, "You mean Aunt Ann?"

"What?"

"Aunt Ann. Didn't she come across on the Mayflower?"

"Uh, no. Not Aunt Ann. And I'm telling her you said that."

"What?"

His sense of time is a little off I'm afraid. I wonder if he thinks I could have been on the Titanic.

3. Again with David.

I was discussing the idea of people having different talents and every one being good at different things. He quickly agreed with me when I said, "You know, everyone has different talents--people are each good at different things."

"Yes!" He said, "There's this girl in my class who can make you blush!"

Gosh! This sounds like a talent that I should be aware of.

4. Lillian was dancing around in her princess costume, shaking her magic wand at everything around the room when I heard Spencer talking to her.

"Hey Lily, how did you do that?" [I was unclear on what he was asking about]

She responded in her most cheerful voice with much dancing and waving of wands, "Oh I can't tell you how I did it but I did it with Lily Magic. Lily Magic is my job."

O-kaaaay . . .

5. Now that Spencer is 11 he's graduated from cartoon-characters on his pajamas to new plaid pajama bottoms which he assured us were remarkably “manly.”

“Yes son, they are manly,” Andrew responded. “Plaid is always manly, you can thank the Scots for that.

"In fact, you could say the words ‘I like pretty pink butterflies’ but if you say it with a Scottish accent it will still come out very manly.”

No wonder our conversations around here are so interesting.

6. Christmas morning after the presents were unwrapped I asked Lillian how she had slept:

"So Lily, tell me--did you hear Santa last night?"

"Nope, but I saw Laser and Dixon on Cain's roof!"

"Really?"

I had no idea Santa had upgraded reindeer--apparently he's now got "Laser" on the team--the less-well known but high-tech deer. Probably helps with security alarms and things like that.

7. We were right in the middle of opening Christmas presents and Grace was so excited for Andrew to open the gift she'd given him she could hardly sit still. She'd wrapped up his favorite treat and had been dying for the moment when he'd finally unwrap it.

Andrew: "Well now, which present should I open next?"

Grace: "Open the Almond Joys! Open the Almond Joys!"

A hush fell on the crowd as she realized her error.

"D'oh!!!!"

8. When I opened my gift from Spencer he was also very thrilled with the excitement of giving. I unwrapped the large gift to find a box of Hershey's chocolates.

Spencer rushed up to me and pointed to the lid, "Do you see that Mom? See that? It says they're a-sort-ted. Assorted! Have you ever had assorted chocolates before?"

I'm not sure what he thought "assorted" means but I've never had chocolates given with such love. Assorted must be a very good thing.

9. David had recovered from a one-day fever and I confirmed this by saying, "Yup, you seem to be all better. No fever--normal body temperature and everything."

He paused for a moment and considered.

"Mom?"

"Hmm?"

"What's my body temperature?"

"98.6 degrees."

He thought for another moment then said, "Well what is Santa's body temperature?"

"What? What do you think his body temperature is?"

"107.6 degrees. He's got a lot of clothes on."

10. And last but not least (yes, I know there's only 10 today but it's the best I could come up with given the busy week) . . . .

Monday night I was doing the Christmas Eve preparations in the kitchen, baking pies and getting ready when I commented to Andrew that I'd eaten so much that I was like Santa. David perked up at this and asked, "What do you mean?"

"Well I'm starting to 'shake when I laugh like a bowl full of jelly'."

"OH!" He said happily, "My nipples shake when I laugh!"

It brought conversation to a halt. What does one say in response to that revelation?

Then it made me wonder if Santa's are shaking too.

Technorati tags: Thursday Thirteen, holidays, Christmas, motherhood, parenting