Thursday, January 22, 2009

The Scribbit Mailbag Second Edition

Weird Google SearchesGoogle is one big Great and Powerful Wizard of Oz, answering questions from the masses behind the magic curtain. As it happens, I have Google Analytics installed on my blog which tracks not only how many visitors drop by but what web site they click in from, how long they stay, which of my pages they look at, what color their eyes are . . .

Okay that last part isn't for real but it's nearly true. I can see what queries people use to arrive at my blog and let me tell you it's eye-opening. You'll never look at humanity the same way I promise you.

So thanks to Jennifer at Family Musings' gentle prodding I'm sharing some of the searches with you--and I swear on a stack of Bibles that I have not made any of these up nor changed so much as one word of them.

These are questions I got during December 2008 and yes, there really are people out there who are asking Google these things and they're probably in line behind you at the grocery store.

Here they are, along with the answers I would give if I had the chance.

1. Questions about Alaska

Can southerners survive living in Alaska?
-Only if we let them. Muaha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!

How did Alaska get its shape?
-One very, very big cookie cutter.

How far does the Alaska darkness go?
-All the way to the border, then it goes through customs and becomes Canadian darkness which is subsidized by the Canadian government and worth about 2% less than its American counterpart.

Where do I buy dried sea slug in Alaska?
-Dried sea slug? Dang, I just ran out or I would have loaned you a cup, Dude.

Who was the first person to cut down a tree in Alaska?
-An Aleutian man named Koyukuk in 9845 B.C. Really. Didn't you see the press conference?

Do houses in Alaska have showers?
-No. It's too cold to shower when we don't have any hot water. We're still working on that whole indoor plumbing thing . . . they're hoping to have it installed in most homes by 2012.

Does Alaska give you ten thousand dollars when you move there?
-Sure, but only if you live in Barrow. Heh. Yea, Barrow's the place you want to be.

(and my personal favorite) What do they call darkness in Alaska?
-Uh . . . Night?

2. Marital Advice

Why am I being kicked out of bed?
-One can only imagine . . .

Is wife swapping good therapy?
-I suppose it really depends on what condition you're treating.

Are you cheating on me?
-Absolutely.

3. Fashion Advice

(this one cracks me up like the "is your refrigerator running" classic)
How do joe's jeans fit?

-Not sure, why don't you ask him?

Can you wear burgundy shoes with a purple dress?
-Yes if your name is Liberace, otherwise a resounding NO!

Can you wear velvet in May in Alaska if the temperatures are cold?
-Not apparently--unless it's held together by duct tape--otherwise you'll be completely overdressed.

4. Safety Issues

I want an injury so I can have a cast.
-Now you are aware that technically you can get a cast without having to break your own arm, right? Whatever floats that boat of yours my friend.

Can Muggles be bit by werewolves?
-Gosh, I'm not even sure where to start with this one.

Can you die of hiccups?
-Happens all the time and the FDA is in the process of passing a ban on them.

Can you die from a box jellyfish?
-Sure, the Miami Herald had a piece about a lady in Tampa who had a jellyfish from the gulf infiltrate the sewer systems, crawl up the pipes, right into her toilet and got her when she wasn't looking. The encounter killed both the woman and the jellyfish so PETA is looking into the situation as well. You'll never use the restroom at night without turning on the light again my friend.

5. Celebrity Gossip

Does Catherine Zeta Jones have permanent eye liner?
-Yes, and she's had her eyeballs surgically enhanced with food dye to make them appear more luminous.

Doesn't Patrick Dempsey's wife look like the jealous type?
-She is. She's VERY jealous of women bloggers with suh-weet blogging skills because that's all Patrick ever talks about any more. Forget those Grey's Anatomy women all he ever says now is how hot mombloggers are. It's mombloggers all the time with him now.

How can I get Candice Olson to come to my house?
-A trail of upholstery tacks leading up to your front door usually does the trick.

Who is sexier: Spiderman or Superman?
-If you have to ask I'm ashamed for you.

6. Cooking Tips

How did they cook vikings?
-With herring and cabbage?

What's wrong with eating cheddar cheese popcorn?
-Nothing if you care absolutely nothing for the environment, democracy or fluffy white bunnies you sicko.

What about macadmia nut cookies?
-I don't know . . . what about macadamia nut cookies?

What do I do with a cold lamb?
-Give him a blanket?

7. Legal Advice

Can my mom have me arrested?
-If you're asking this chances are she already has a warrant. I'd be worried if I were you.

Can they arrest me with a child in the car?
-Depends. Whose driving? You or the child?

What will happen if I rip a smoke detector out of the wall?
-It will no longer detect any smoke.

Can you be arrested for a bad prescription you tried to pick up but didn't?
-I don't know, you might try asking Rush Limbaugh or Cindy McCain.

How do I cheat at Chutes and Ladders?
-Really people, that's what graduate school is for. It takes YEARS to master that art.

I am a plant killer.
-I'll keep it quiet. I promise.

What ever happened to Orville Redenbacher?
-He's buried in my back yard. Under the rhododendron.

8. Health Tips

How do I floss my own teeth if my hands are big?
-That's what toes are for, Baby.

Can worms crawl up your throat?
-And you'd want to keep them down there. . . . Why?

How can I make the swelling go down?
-Not going to touch this one.

Why do children need to go to bed?
-I'm trying to fathom the individual who would even question the beauty of the system.

9. Shopping Tips

What department of Lowes has the lazy susan bearings?
-Aisle 17--though it might take you a while to find them, they're tricky so you'd better look good and long . . .

10. Miscellaneous Advice

What do I do to acorns so they bring good luck?
-Uh, that's kind of the thing about good luck charms, they just have that stuff built right into them already, it's not like you can buy a jar and brush it on or anything. Or am I wrong on that?

What would you do if you loved hockey and wanted to play hockey but everyone made fun of you because you couldn't skate and had hand-me-down skates?
-[sniff] I'd think about learning to skate.

Why can't people teach boys manners?
-I think it's rather that boys have a set of manners all their own and they're wondering why we don't follow their system.

What would be a cool city name?
-Planning to build one soon Mr. Trump? Then I'd suggest Scribbitonia.

What are some names for my new venus fly trap?
-Besides the obvious "Flaming Killer Jaws of Wicked White Hot Death"? I've got nothing.

***

If you're curious about the first edition of the Scribbit Mailbag you can read my answers to Google queries from two years ago there.

Sponsored by Dimples and Dandelions--for the Serena and Lily Bedding Collection for Children.

Technorati tags: blogging, Google lists

49 comments:

Sage said...

Love your answers.. you could be the next agony aunt column bloggist....lol

a Tonggu Momma said...

Loved it! And here I only get requests to see Wendy Calio without clothes. (And she's on the DISNEY channel, y'all!)

Jolanthe @ No Ordinary Moments said...

how do i cheat at Chutes and Ladders? Seriously? That is hysterical. If you have to google how to cheat at a children's game, playing games might not be the best thing to do.

those are hysterical! (as are your answers!)

Flea said...

Too funny! Spiderman. Hands down. It's the angst.

Scott Family said...

Hilarious! I am a huge fan of Joe's Jeans!! (not such a fan of the price tag)

Lis Garrett said...

Hilarious answers, Michelle!

The "what do you do with a cold lamb" query really tickled my funny bone, because it sounds exactly like some of the not-so-funny jokes my daughter tells me.

HA! Thanks for the laugh. :-)

Kara said...

This may be hands down the funniest thing I've read in a long time - both the questions and your witty answers. I started laughing at the "one big cookie cutter" response and didn't stop! Thanks for a great morning pick-me-up!

JENNIFER said...

okay, my eyes are brown :) And I have been musing about this very topic as I see how people get to my blog through sitemeter...oh so amusing :)

Enjoyed your answers.

Michemily said...

Ha ha ha. :) You'd think some people consider Google to be one of those fortune-telling eight balls.

Keeling said...

That is HILARIOUS! Thank you for making me laugh OUT LOUD while sitting here by myself and wishing my husband were here so I could make him read it too.

Amelia StoryGirl said...

This is hilarious! You know we are all going to type in crazy questions and hope your blog comes up now, so if you see a spike of strange searches in your analytics!! lol! And I too have brown eyes :)

Ayda Sue said...

this was hilarious. bravo.

Patois said...

I don't think I've ever seen a post on searches done so well. Bravo, lady!

Becky said...

I'm so with you on boys and manners.

The Quiet One said...

Oh my gosh this was so funny!!! So glad you decided to share it. And do let me know when Scribbitonia is ready to be inhabited. I want first dibs! :)

Lara said...

Loved reading your commentary! Too funny! I love going in and looking at the crazy searches that have landed people on my blog. You're right, you will never look at humanity quite the same again.

Killlashandra said...

That's just wild. It is amazing what people put into a search. I'm safe though, I read you on google reader. ;)

Holly Crosley said...

HILARIOUS!!!

Marsanne Petty said...

Absolutely hilarious! I have been following your blog for a couple of weeks now and this really takes the cake! Congrats!

MiaKatia said...

This is one of the best posts of the day! Thanks for the laugh.

Modern Mama Diana said...

This was a good post!! :) Thanks for visiting my blog and commenting on my Babysitting post. :)

Erin said...

That is so funny! Does someone really wonder if you have showers in Alaska? Wow.

Your answers were spot on too. Next time they google their question they will see that you have all the answers!

Kathryn said...

This was a really funny post! I loved your answers!! It really makes you wonder about the general population. :-)

LLG said...

Those are hilarious. My personal favorite and the funniest is "Do homes in Alaska have showers"? What kind of question is that?! So funny!

Damselfly said...

I can vouch for those Tampa jellyfish. They are very tricky. You really have to keep the lid down, and when you are doing your business, you have to be really, really quick about it.


;)

Gray Matters said...

So funny - I might just have to sign up for Google Analytics just for the laughs. Is that hard to do?

Heather said...

I am putting google analytics on my blog after this. Hilarious! I am also totally moving to Scribbitonia!

PS- thanks for the Viking recipe.

Mom24 said...

The people who read your blog are scary. :-) Wait! What's that make me? Very funny.

Bobbie in AK said...

I shouldn't have read this at work. So funny!

Chris said...

Funny! Nothing weird in my GA yet, except for kids looking for book reports. Do your own homework kid!

Lisa @ Crazy Adventures in Parenting said...

haha, I laughed. Hard! Some doozies, lemme tell ya!

Michaele said...

VERY funny! I've had some odd searches/questions show up in Lijit and Google Analytics, though one favorite that pops up repeatedly is: Is teaching kindergarten difficult?

Nope. It's the easiest job in the world. Right up there with parenting, finding a cure for cancer, and solving world hunger.

Michaele

Annie said...

Haha some of these are HILARIOUS!!

"can muggles be bitten by werewolves?"

wowww...

MoziEsmé said...

I feel so educated now - you really ARE the expert in just about everything!

heather said...

OMG........... why do children need to go to bed??!!!!!

Kathy G said...

I'm sad...the most exciting one I've gotten is "love in the tub"...

M said...

The best part is that I am mentally referencing each comment to a post that you have done...

Melissa said...

Looks like I'm collecting $20 on a bet! I KNEW Alaska didn't have showers!

Jennifer said...

Okay, I knew it would be funny, but I didn't know I would pee my pants! (not that it is hard to do that these days... kegels-schmegels!)

Your sense of comedy is strong... I think I love your humorous posts the most!

Carrie said...

haha! As I, myself, am a cold fearing Southerner, I could have asked question #1 as well!!!

Amy said...

loved your answer to the first one. and i know this southerner couldn't survive it. it was 18 degrees here the other morning and i almost couldn't handle it. :)

sarah said...

Like the evil laugh! Mwahahaha.

and the cookie cutter. I think PA was made the same way.

Too fun. Thanks for sharing.

Pencil Writer said...

Oh, I'm having to wipe the tears from my eyes. Thanks for the "great" wonderous questions/queries and the more wounderous/hilarious answers. I could use a dose of this about once a week . . .

Thanks!

illahee said...

lol my google searches are pretty tame, to be honest. i love your answers here!

jubilee said...

Your responses to the searches is what makes sharing the searches fun. *giggle*

J at www.jellyjules.com said...

Do you get a lot of tourists in Anchorage? In Juneau, tourists sometimes ask whether they can use American money there. If I worked there, I would want to say, "Yes, of course you can, but the exchange rate isn't very good..."

KatieRae said...

ahahaha- laughing so hard. I don't even know how I got to your blog... but you do!

All Rileyed Up said...

I just laughed until I cried, but two favorite were "Who was the first person to cut down a tree in Alaska?" and "How did they cook vikings?" I also really liked that you ended your dried sea slug answer with Dude.

Janet said...

oh my - I'm afraid of those people. Like you say, they're in the grocery store and out driving around and things.