Google is one big Great and Powerful Wizard of Oz, answering questions from the masses behind the magic curtain. As it happens, I have Google Analytics installed on my blog which tracks not only how many visitors drop by but what web site they click in from, how long they stay, which of my pages they look at, what color their eyes are . . .
Okay that last part isn't for real but it's nearly true. I can see what queries people use to arrive at my blog and let me tell you it's eye-opening. You'll never look at humanity the same way I promise you.
So thanks to Jennifer at Family Musings' gentle prodding I'm sharing some of the searches with you--and I swear on a stack of Bibles that I have not made any of these up nor changed so much as one word of them.
These are questions I got during December 2008 and yes, there really are people out there who are asking Google these things and they're probably in line behind you at the grocery store.
Here they are, along with the answers I would give if I had the chance.
1. Questions about Alaska
Can southerners survive living in Alaska?
-Only if we let them. Muaha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!
How did Alaska get its shape?
-One very, very big cookie cutter.
How far does the Alaska darkness go?
-All the way to the border, then it goes through customs and becomes Canadian darkness which is subsidized by the Canadian government and worth about 2% less than its American counterpart.
Where do I buy dried sea slug in Alaska?
-Dried sea slug? Dang, I just ran out or I would have loaned you a cup, Dude.
Who was the first person to cut down a tree in Alaska?
-An Aleutian man named Koyukuk in 9845 B.C. Really. Didn't you see the press conference?
Do houses in Alaska have showers?
-No. It's too cold to shower when we don't have any hot water. We're still working on that whole indoor plumbing thing . . . they're hoping to have it installed in most homes by 2012.
Does Alaska give you ten thousand dollars when you move there?
-Sure, but only if you live in Barrow. Heh. Yea, Barrow's the place you want to be.
(and my personal favorite) What do they call darkness in Alaska?
-Uh . . . Night?
2. Marital Advice
Why am I being kicked out of bed?
-One can only imagine . . .
Is wife swapping good therapy?
-I suppose it really depends on what condition you're treating.
Are you cheating on me?
3. Fashion Advice
(this one cracks me up like the "is your refrigerator running" classic)
How do joe's jeans fit?
-Not sure, why don't you ask him?
Can you wear burgundy shoes with a purple dress?
-Yes if your name is Liberace, otherwise a resounding NO!
Can you wear velvet in May in Alaska if the temperatures are cold?
-Not apparently--unless it's held together by duct tape--otherwise you'll be completely overdressed.
4. Safety Issues
I want an injury so I can have a cast.
-Now you are aware that technically you can get a cast without having to break your own arm, right? Whatever floats that boat of yours my friend.
Can Muggles be bit by werewolves?
-Gosh, I'm not even sure where to start with this one.
Can you die of hiccups?
-Happens all the time and the FDA is in the process of passing a ban on them.
Can you die from a box jellyfish?
-Sure, the Miami Herald had a piece about a lady in Tampa who had a jellyfish from the gulf infiltrate the sewer systems, crawl up the pipes, right into her toilet and got her when she wasn't looking. The encounter killed both the woman and the jellyfish so PETA is looking into the situation as well. You'll never use the restroom at night without turning on the light again my friend.
5. Celebrity Gossip
Does Catherine Zeta Jones have permanent eye liner?
-Yes, and she's had her eyeballs surgically enhanced with food dye to make them appear more luminous.
Doesn't Patrick Dempsey's wife look like the jealous type?
-She is. She's VERY jealous of women bloggers with suh-weet blogging skills because that's all Patrick ever talks about any more. Forget those Grey's Anatomy women all he ever says now is how hot mombloggers are. It's mombloggers all the time with him now.
How can I get Candice Olson to come to my house?
-A trail of upholstery tacks leading up to your front door usually does the trick.
Who is sexier: Spiderman or Superman?
-If you have to ask I'm ashamed for you.
6. Cooking Tips
How did they cook vikings?
-With herring and cabbage?
What's wrong with eating cheddar cheese popcorn?
-Nothing if you care absolutely nothing for the environment, democracy or fluffy white bunnies you sicko.
What about macadmia nut cookies?
-I don't know . . . what about macadamia nut cookies?
What do I do with a cold lamb?
-Give him a blanket?
7. Legal Advice
Can my mom have me arrested?
-If you're asking this chances are she already has a warrant. I'd be worried if I were you.
Can they arrest me with a child in the car?
-Depends. Whose driving? You or the child?
What will happen if I rip a smoke detector out of the wall?
-It will no longer detect any smoke.
Can you be arrested for a bad prescription you tried to pick up but didn't?
-I don't know, you might try asking Rush Limbaugh or Cindy McCain.
How do I cheat at Chutes and Ladders?
-Really people, that's what graduate school is for. It takes YEARS to master that art.
I am a plant killer.
-I'll keep it quiet. I promise.
What ever happened to Orville Redenbacher?
-He's buried in my back yard. Under the rhododendron.
8. Health Tips
How do I floss my own teeth if my hands are big?
-That's what toes are for, Baby.
Can worms crawl up your throat?
-And you'd want to keep them down there. . . . Why?
How can I make the swelling go down?
-Not going to touch this one.
Why do children need to go to bed?
-I'm trying to fathom the individual who would even question the beauty of the system.
9. Shopping Tips
What department of Lowes has the lazy susan bearings?
-Aisle 17--though it might take you a while to find them, they're tricky so you'd better look good and long . . .
10. Miscellaneous Advice
What do I do to acorns so they bring good luck?
-Uh, that's kind of the thing about good luck charms, they just have that stuff built right into them already, it's not like you can buy a jar and brush it on or anything. Or am I wrong on that?
What would you do if you loved hockey and wanted to play hockey but everyone made fun of you because you couldn't skate and had hand-me-down skates?
-[sniff] I'd think about learning to skate.
Why can't people teach boys manners?
-I think it's rather that boys have a set of manners all their own and they're wondering why we don't follow their system.
What would be a cool city name?
-Planning to build one soon Mr. Trump? Then I'd suggest Scribbitonia.
What are some names for my new venus fly trap?
-Besides the obvious "Flaming Killer Jaws of Wicked White Hot Death"? I've got nothing.
If you're curious about the first edition of the Scribbit Mailbag you can read my answers to Google queries from two years ago there.
Sponsored by Dimples and Dandelions--for the Serena and Lily Bedding Collection for Children.
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